Moose Call

On The Whispering Wind

2006-05-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

Come to me, sweet angel mine
And sing to me
On the whispering wind
Fill my mind, my soul, my time
With your light and your love and your peace
Such joy to be had when you're dancing near
With each breath that I take I sing with you
And my heart, though does ache I will yearn nevermore
For the wants I cant have
For I trust you
Sweet God In heaven, you rescue me
From darkness, thy salvation comes
Though weeping you find me
Crumpled I'm not
In the tears I find strength
Walk with me
Hold my hand
Sing to me praises for my ears and heart only
I'll hear them...
On the whispering wind
--KRH

He Walks With Angels

2006-04-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

In a power chair, he rolled. But now, he walks with angels. With strong legs. His spine whole. How I long to hear the smile in his voice as he says "Hello Sunshine" to me just one more time. To sit and discuss the philosophies of life. Such kindred spirits were we. No one fully understood my phisciality the way he did, for we lived it together. He would always understand in a way no one else would. I never knew another to have such hardships in his life. And he made it all just look so easy. Despite his pains, he always had a smile and warmpth for others, with little care to his own needs. He made the world a better place just by being in it. My life rolls on without you now. It just doesnt seem right. I feel like I can just pick up that phone and you will be on the other end. You will still be well enough to come up to Wyo to visit, we will make it to Vedauwoo with you this summer as planned, you will come stay with us for a time. I am reeling this day and the hole is only filled by my tears. I know you are well, and happy, no more pain, no more worry. I am having a hard time letting go though, my dearest friend. My heart will scar over in the place where you lived within it, sealing you within me forever. ~Bueno bye~ until we meet again. How I miss you, Michael....

Five Months!

2006-04-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

Has it really been that long since my last post? Shouldnt be too terribly surprised, I spend more time at the computer creating art or if I am writing its poetry or prose or something for children.

Whats new? Lots since this last post. All things with T and that terrible teacher have been, for the most part, resolved. She does still work at that school but Ts interactions with her are minimal. Well thats not entirely true. I think she has a need to clear a guilty concious. He comes home mentioning about weekly that she tries to make contact with him of some kind, tries to talk to him sweetly, inquire to his emotions of the day. He is no dummy, he sees through it and is simply bothered that she cant just let him be. He is afraid to just say nothing though, to just up and walk away. He thinks if he angers her, she will respond they way she did when she had him in her class. That she will physically hurt him, yell and embarress him. Poor child. He is learing at much too young an age the fininte politics of handling people. He is well though, and still loves school. His homeroom teacher is excellent. He has been on the honor roll all three quarters and I am sure he will end this year remaining on the 4th. Throughout all this I havent really been working there nearly as much. My 'friendships' arent what they were, if you can really even call them that anymore. Saccarine, falsely sweet if even acknowledged. All ties unbound. Looks as though T wasnt the only one learning....

K's grammy passed away this year, just before Thanksgiving. Its been a weighty loss for us all, I miss her, as do the rest of us. We have lost so much family lately. I must remember that I am older now, though it seems that time has scarcely passed by and but yesterday I was 20 or younger. The days all melt together and Im left here standing, (ok sitting!) wondering where it all went and noticing the age in others while I dont yet see it, let alone feel it, in myself. My heart hasnt moved forward, despite my body following those clock hands. My bones feel it. A desperate pull to prove I should actually be 90! :P Young hearts prevail!

We no longer own the Arvada house. Praise GOD! After far too many months of working with the property manager to get the house rented to no avail, we finally let her go and hired a reccomended, aggressive real estate agent. He works out of Denver but was still able to really push our property. D had most of her business out of Aurora and I think it was just getting to be too much hassle for her. I really dont know. Despite the market not being what we would have liked, the house, under Ts guidance, sold in TWO MONTHS time. Course that house was pretty special, what with the huge garage and handicap features. We did better than break even, we came out a little ahead and the weight of the worry of it all has vanished. Both K and I feel lighter. This, coupled with inheritence from Grammy...well I do absolutely hate trading a loved and precious life for green but as a friend of mine said...she would have died rich, she would have died poor. You cant let yourslef feel guilty for being glad to have the money. And so I try but its still an internal battle. I have to say, her main concern while living was always about the well being of her family. She went out of her way to make sure all were happy and taken care of. This is her final way of doing that for the rest of our lives. T will be able to go to college, we will be able to retire well when that time comes and our debts, what was left of them, are dwindling to nothing. Thank you Grammy.

I finished my online chidrens writing course with flying colors. Ive been reccomended to take the advanced classes. Apparently class size is limited and I wont know if I get in for another month or so. I am still undecided if Ill go forth with it all however, if I do make the cut. I didnt really learn much of anything new with this last one....but on a happy note it did force me to write which is a good thing, seeing as how art has taken over my being. Not that that is a bad thing mind you. Writing however, is my first true love. It sometimes feels as though I am cheating on her with an intoxicating misstress that I cant tear away from. I do keep coming back to the pen but it just isnt as much. Im gaining such intense inner joy from the art. It really brings me peace.

So speaking of art, I am finally taking the same steps as I do with my writing to bring things to frutation so to speak. Ive purchased some domains (one for the art, the other for writing, the two will interlink) and Im working on getting layout ideas for how I want the pages to look and then start to design them. K and dad say they can help, or I have the option to pay my friend C to aide as well. Im not quite to that point, its taking me a while but Ill get there when I get there. Ive got the art part pretty much decided, now for the writing. I need to get a portfoilo put together too and m and d will help me to print it all! what a boon. I had asked d when down visiting over easter about his reccomendations on print labs. To which he replied softly, "We can print them for you" I didnt even want to really ask that, they are so busy but what an offer. If things take off and get busy for me (which Im not really expecting but you do never know) then Ill have to change all that but for now, to at least get started, it will help out so much. I need to make some decsions on what to print or make some new items, I want to look at trying to get a gallery showing at the Nic and there is some remodling being done at the local coffee house, would be neat to get some art up on those walls. It costs money though and we dont quite have all things paid up. A lot going on, gotta take it slow and one step at a time. Of course I am not always known for my patience. I am going to let my innermuse blog go to the wayside once this other is up. In fact, I should remove it now while it is on my mind. Once my main page is functional I wont need the art blog anymore.

What else...we are looking at some home remodeling. We got the bathrooms done, the master is now handicap accessible, I have a shower in which I can use independently, just need the help getting in and out of the shower chair. The guest/Ts bath has a wider door frame so I can get IN there now (which is good since neither he nor K tend to clean it as often as it needs. ack!) It has a new linoleum floor and some repair done to damage on the vanity. We still need to paint both rooms and thats been a job left sitting for ages, but all that guady wallpaper is off. Next job is to take out the carpet in the living/dining/master bedroom. We want to put tile in the living/dining area and have been pricing. There is a loooong wait to get tile work done here in Casper, we are in the midst of a building boon and it could very well be a 6 mo wait. So its on our list of things that need done but I just dont know yet when. We are looking at putting hardwood in the master. Fell in love with Brazilian Cherry but we do have a set budget for all this and that is a pricey (GEORGOUS) wood. The labor for the tilework will be expensive, we are going to even look at putting a heating element under the floor in the living room section, so I dont know if we can afford the tile AND brazilian cherry...but we will see. We have more hardwood places to look at and get bids on to know for sure. Still havent gotten calls back for bids on some of the tile places yet either. Until I have some numbers to crunch I wont know what we can precisely swing.

This summer we want to tear out the narrow concrete walkways in the backyard and repour them with something widder and flush to the ramp base so that I can actually get out into the yard in my manual chair without help. Course the weather should be nice enough this time of year right now to start it before the dry heat of summer, but outside there is about of foot of snow on the ground and back to chilly winterlike temps. Oh the joys of the Rockies! :) I know I complain but in actuality I wouldnt have it any other way. I love living here.

So I guess thats all the updates. This year has been a rollercoaster, good and bad mixed but invariably, with God's help, we come out on top. Some bittersweet but good. We will continue to get by, God willing.

And Time Moves On

2005-11-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

Not much has changed since my last post a month ago. It feels to me as though wheels are spinning and Im simply hovering, but its not. Time has moved on and things are changing all around I am simply stuck in the rut of my mind. A broken tape that keeps rewinding. Obsessivly and compulsivly unable to let go and move forward. The spinning wheels are simply me.

T is out of that reading classroom now. The teacher in question still employed, however. We refrained from even filing a grievance with social services as we had originally planned. After much prayer and talk, we decided that as long as she has that and a potential report to the school board as well hovering over her head, she will behave and leave our child be in the hallways at the school. Report her and she has nothing to loose and she has proven she can effect him even if he isnt in her classroom. That seems to have been the right decision. She has left him completely alone. Much to our relif. My worry is that she has moved on to other students, perchance children of parents who dont have the desire or resolve to face her and report her wrongdoings to the principal. K tells me it isnt my job or my place to be a parent to those kids, they have parents. That we need to focus on the safety and well being of our own first and foremost. Hard for me to let go and do just that, but I say a prayer each night that maybe she has learned something, that her heart be softened and she treat her classes with the dignity and respect that all kids should have; that her temper be cured and she not take her frustrations out on the innocent.

Since she cant effect my child without major reprocussions, she has however taken to turning her attacks upon me. Most of the teachers in the primary wing have little to nothing to do with me now. Any conversaion is forced, smiles are insincere if they are even given. They dont reach the eyes. M tells me that talk of all these matters are STILL brewing around the faculty, that G keeps bringing up matters to everyone, that she wont let it just lie and be done. She has told lies about me and the situation at hand, and also created situations that never occured. I am pretty well resigned from it all really. I know in my heart she will eventually have to face what she has done. I am sure this is all in part to try to maybe get me to stop volunteering at the school. I know for a fact my presence there makes her extremely uncomfortable, even if we do not speak to one another. My desk faces out to the hall and guaranteed if she is walking down it, she forcably looks in the open door and skews up her face as though she had just bitten into something sour. If eyes could shoot lasers, I would be badly singed. I find it almost humorous that she cant just look forward down the hall and ignore me. That she feels compelled to have to look to see if I am there. As if by maybe her sheer force of will, I will vanish mid day into thin air and just cease to be. I dont seek her out for dirty looks. But then, I am an adult. Last two weeks my health has been less than good though and I have been unable to make it in. The following week, I hope for some changes there. I miss the kids.

T by the way, is thriving. We had his parent teacher confrence on the 3rd. Now that he is in the 3rd grade, they run on an A B C D F grade scale instead of Es and Ss. A higher, harder scale too. 92% is a B and not an A. He made the honor roll! He has a solid A in math and spelling. The rest of his grades are all B+, so close to being an A that he is practically an A student. His science grade, for example, is ONE point away from being an A-. everything else is within 2-5pts. Pretty amazing. This includes reading. he has a 90% for reading. The one class that everyone (aside from us) were concenred about for him with this change from G to his home room teachers class. She says that out of all her students he truely gives her no trouble. That he is helpful, and always well behaved. He is only sometimes off task, and she is helping him to recognise it within himself so that he can self correct, rather than coddle him and correct it for him constantly. First teacher to ever do that. She says it is working well and he is getting better. He is having more organization than he did at the begining of the year. He is completing assignments. That his 'daydreaming' isnt really daydreaming but rather that he is a deep thinker. When he is sitting and contemplating things it is more likely that he is looking at all angles of the problem rather than seeing things one dimentionally. She says all it takes to find that out is to ASK him. She says this is all reflected in his work and in the questions he asks in the classroom or on fieldtrips. When they went to the courthouse for a field trip a few weeks ago, he astounded the teachers and the workers with his well thought out questions. No other child came up with the ideas that he had, none could formulate their thoughts as he did. He is extremely creative and is showing an aptitude for writing. His stories are more thought out than most others, not to mention longer. Filled with more sensory detail than most children his age put forth. To say we are proud would be an understatement. HE says too, he thinks he might like to be a screenplay writer. He wouldnt mind writing movies. That or maybe design video games. The entire idea or concept, the script dialog for characters and places, the art for the world, everything from start to finish in its entirety. Or a meteorolgist or archeologist or geologist. He is fascinated with weather, rocks and dino bones. Its good to see him back on track with school and to have his self esteem back up where it should be. He did suffer some damage with that in Gs class but he is getting it back. Hearing how he did so far this first quarter and that he made the h onor roll was what sealed the deal. He knows again now that he is smart and worthy and that he can do whatever he puts his mind to.

There are also changes coming up with our rental in Colorado. Unable to put forth the effort that we need to have it taken care of, we are opting instead to sell it and just cut our losses. Our contract states that despite being able to fire D (with one mo. notice) that she gets first seller exclusivity rights. she has 90 days to sell the property exclusivly. If we let her go and turn around and hire another and put the house on the market, she has her hands in our wallet for 120 days past the termination point to still get her commission. We are going to Denver for 5 days tomorrow. K has meetings with the project he is working on in Westminster. My sister is taking T and Maizy for those days. While K has his meetings Wed and Thurs, I can be on the phone contacting realtors and gathering up information; setting up appointments to meet with folk on Friday. We are meeting with D at the house on Thurs. It is a long story, but we had mentioned to her 2 weeks ago our wanting to unload the house onto the market. She was to do a market analysis during that time and re contact us. Daily I phoned and daily I couldnt reach her. She never returned our calls either. K finally got ahold of her yesterday and she was CLUELESS as to the fact that we wanted to sell and hasnt done a thing to work it in that direction. I simply refuse to play these games anymore and I am ever so greatful that things have worked out so that we can be down there this week and will be able to fix things in person; able to work it all around Ks work. I called her this morning and amazingly got ahold of her. Since we are meeting her at our property instead of driving all the way out to her office in Aurora, I wanted to make sure that she remembered to bring all the paperwork that we would need to be signing with her to the house to get the home listed on the market. It was obvious she wasnt pleased about that. I got this long pause and then a resounding....Oh. well ok. Ill TRY to get everything together. She seemed astonished to hear (AGAIN) that we want to sell and are done playing these games of trying to keep or get the house rented. She also mentioned not remembering precisely the day or time we were to meet her as she didnt write it down in her appointment book or on her calendar! -BOGGLE- (good thing I called then, eh?) You would think as a realtor that she would want to cut her looses as well and sell and get her commission. She must, on some level, come out ahead as a property manager than a realtor. Otherwise she wouldnt be dragging her feet and pushing so hard to keep us as property managment clients. After the 90 days of having the house listed on the market with her, weather it sells or not, we can and will be free of her. We can then find another more suitable realtor, one who works closer to our property and one who has more fire in their belly. And who knows. Maybe by some weird fluke she will be able to sell it for a price we deem worthy. We dont even care anymore to make a proffit. To just break even. It is all we need. We have done nothing but take a loss on that house since the day we had to relocate. Three years that home has been a burdon. I do not see it improving at all over time. By the time it possibly could, it will have done so much damage in the lean years that anything good would be totally offset. Even when we had renters in that house, we still took a loss every month. We couldnt ever get the full mortgage ammount out of renters, we paid $400 a month out of pocket just to have someone in there. Thats not counting random upkeep and the fee to have D help run all that since we live so far away. Thats $4800 a year min. Times 3 years. Thats $14,400 we have LOST in three years. MINIMUM. Over 15k is more accurate. Her montly fee alone is a hundred bucks. That right there is a little over a grand annual. so shoot closer to 20k really. This isnt counting the time that its been vacent since the end of July and we have had to pay out the full mortgage. (an additonal 4500. more to come every month it sits unsold) Thats insane and absurd. We can not keep going on like that. That 20k could have paid off a credit card or two in full. Could have gone towards deleting our van payment. Could have gone into an actual investment that made us money, not lost us money. I am ever so greatful that K can see this now. He wanted to hold onto the house as an investemnt. To save it for retirement and let it be our nest egg. It seems to have been a goose egg instead. I think we are better off to unload it and once it sells, we wont have that burdon. We will get back an extra 500+ a mo. in our pocket. We can rest easier. I am nervous as all get out though. In the back of my mind run all these what ifs and senarios that play out badly. I have to keep focused on the light in front of me though, to feel his hand as it rests upon my shoulder, guiding me. All will work out as it always has in the past and I know that he will provide. Things are going well for T, this will work itself out too.

OH and also on some other good news....our terminally ill friend of the family, GP, who has cancer...it seems it is in remission for 1-3 years doctors say. He has suffered some odd nerve damage though, in the tips of his fingers and in his feet from his toes back. It hurts him to walk, he is in pain from his feet and he drops things a lot. But he was slated as stage 3 with not much time to live and the strong chance that the chemo and radiation wouldnt take. So far it has helped him somewhat. He is happy to have whatever time he is given extra to be with his family and loved ones. This is my dads best friend, and he has been almost like a second parent to me and my sister. Prayers are being answered. I need to realize that they will for us as well in conjunction with this house. Thinking positive and keeping faith is sometimes hard for me when things wear down for such a long time. Doesnt help that my health has been faltering so I am not feeling the best physically. At the same point, a part of me is feeling excited and greatful to have the ability to go to Denver and get this sorted out. I just have to keep clinging to that. And know that it will work out the way it is ment to. God is helping us, as we have asked, as he always does.

Loose Lips and further contact

2005-10-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

Just when I think I have been surprised or shocked to the limit with the current school events, something more happens that makes my head spin and leaves me reeling wondering what in the world is this woman thinking.

Friday Tyler had a substitue in his classroom. The school still knew that he would be coming home early and not be in reading on Friday, the front office he says phoned the teacher so he could be excused and walk home.

At some point in the day G saw T in the hall. She called out to him. "Hi T!" he said that he ignored her as I had instructed him to do and kept walking down the hall, minding his own business. She then siddled up to him, and said to him "Hi T, how are you doing today?" in a very nice way. He said he thought in his head that maybe since she was being so nice to him that maybe it would be ok to talk to her. So he answered "Hello, I am doing fine." She said that was good and asked if he woudl be joining her in the classroom for reading that afternoon and moved in to give him a hug. He said no he wouldnt be, and as she hugged him, he leaned in and whispered in her ear "My mom says that we shouldt be talking to each other either." to which she exclaimed "OH!" and let go aweful fast and scurried down the hall. T mentioned that he thought it was weird that she was bening nice to him all of a sudden, but that he was glad she was nice and not mean. That child has more love and forgiveness in his heart than any other person Ive ever known in my entire life. Not that he thinks any of this is ok mind you. He still doesnt like her, doesnt feel safe in her classroom, but he liked the fact that she could be pleasant. But of course he did, ALL children want their teachers to like them.

The only thing that I can think of why she would dare to do this, albeit touching in a non violent way but still touching just the same, is to try to bring T back to her side with Mondays meeting looming up. With the principal gone and his homeroom teacher gone, she cant get called on it or looked at funny for trying to initiate some form of contact. How convienent.

Got a phone call from my teacher friend that night. Its getting rather interesting at the school. Apparently, G has gone to every teacher in the wing she and I work and has told them all that I am spreading lies about her. That I am lying about her grabbing T, that she didnt. That I am now phoning all of the parents in her classroom and getting them to rally against her. She has managed to get some of them to back her. Working after the meeting on Monday is not going to be pleasant, I hope I can move through the building with a smile on my face and block it all out in the back of my mind that EVERYO NE knows my business and is talking about it, me and my family behind my back.

In truth, I have contaced one parent. the mom of a little boy T is friends with who is in his homeroom and in his readin group. I wanted to make sure that J could corraborate Ts story about what was said on Wed 100% before we pulled him out of reading entirely for the remainder of the week. Turned out, this parent gave me an earfull. Not only was J very much aware of all that is going on with T, but he is SCARED. Told his mom, "You cant tell her any of this, please dont talk to her mom!" This parent is friends with a teacher that used to work at the school as well as the current school nurse. She told me of Gs history of hurting children, physically, mentally, emotionally. She knows that this teacher has a reputation that isnt a good one. J was afraid to even start 3rd grade this year, for fear he would have her as a teacher. He is in Ts homeroom, but does have her for reading. She mentioned having a friend who knows the school board superintendant. She had talked about the probobility of going to the principal with things herself, or maybe to G directly. There is also a case of G not allowing a little girl to go to the bathroom in class. the child then wet herself and G announced it to the entire classroom. the school nurse had to come and clean her up. The childs' grandmother works at the school and is half afraid to press forth with this though because she has to work with G on a daily basis. Im sorry but this is your granddaughter! If you love her you will fight for her! but this isnt the first time JD has had a hard time sticking up for little TD, she handles confrontation harder than I do.

So it seems that some of the other parents might have started contacting G and giving her a hard time. Seems that she is jumping to conclusions and assuming it is all me, when its not. I havent told a soul about what is going on aside from the one teacher I talk with outside of the building, and she approached me about things, not the other way around. G is digging a deeper grave for herself. It will be interesting to see what Monday brings. To say I am looking forward to it all is an understatement, for I am not. But all I have to do is look upon my son and I find my strength. She picked the wrong family to mess with. I will protect my child to all ends of the earth.

We will be taking this a step farther and contacting social services and filing a complaint. I cant in good concious just get T moved out of there and not do something for the other children not so fortunate. I have worked with all of these children at the school over the course of the past three years, in many ways they are like my own little ones. Once she looses T as her main target, she will likely find another. Maybe even one with a less strong family support system. I need to get this incident filed on her record in case any other families this year need to come forth, it re creates a trail. We discussed the probability of suing her and the school, but hope not to have to take it that far. Of course that all hinges on JM and Mondays meeting. If T cant be removed from the class, takes sides with G and allows things to just continue, we will be enlisting legal support and going to court. However I would be thoroughly shocked and surprised if that were to come into play. I have a feeling things will be resolved in a way that is best for T and that Monday he will be out of that classroom.

Safety net gone

2005-09-29T11:46:00.000-07:00

Talking with my trusted teacher friend, learned that the principal is out of town til Monday. K said he did mention it in brief when we set the apt to meet with him and G, that it was for Monday because he woudl be gone. I must really be out of it not to have caught that.

Seeing as how I had told T that if G did anything to hurt or humilate him, he could get up and go straight to the principals office (he said T could, definately) and now he isnt there, we arent keeping him in school for reading the rest of this week. Its only two days. Monday at the meeting, it will be explained why he wasnt in class and how things need to be expidited rapidly.

See now I would have thought that with G knowing about the upcoming meeting on Monday, she would have been on her best behaviour with my child. I figured she would have kept her mouth shut, maybe ignored him, but I wouldnt have expected her to humilate him verbally in front of the class yet again. How convienent. If you know now that you cant touch, do something so maybe his peers will ridicule him or question him about later. Hurt him mentally and emotionally instead. This woman has no soul. I swear she doesnt.

Since she had the gall to do this while the principal was still in the building, we didnt want to find out what she would do to T while she knew he was gone. T is in school right now, wrapping up lunch. he has cursive for 15 mins after lunch, and then when the children go to reading at 1, he is to collect his homework that he will miss later in the day from his homeroom teacher and just come home at 1. We will repeat this again tomorrow.

I at least have some peace over this decision. My heart isnt weary and sad, for I know that for today and tomorrow, T is safe and has a break from all of this. Monday we face this woman head to head. The gloves are off. She has a lot of explaining to do, and frankly nothing she has to say can fix what she has done or make it better.

On a happy note

2005-09-28T17:07:00.000-07:00

Oh I almost forgot to add this....

Talking with J this morning...when he was a teacher he used the SFA program that PVE uses for reading now. His wife was also a facilitator. Apparently, within the program, you never move a child backwards. Since T already went through 3.1 last year and ended on 3.2, he should have, by default, been placed in 3.2 in the first place. Getting him moved forward where I have said he needed to be all along shouldnt be too difficult. Coupple that with the mess we are having with his current teacher....well hopefully this can all be resolved and set into place for next week.

Its going to be lovely fun too now I think, continuing to volunteer at that school right next door to Gs classroom, bumping into her in the hall, the lounge on breaks or at lunch. Sigh. Maybe she will take to at least eating outside of school on Mondays if she knows I am there then. Who knows. And knowing her, she will whine and complin to all the other teachers in that wing. Sigh. I refuse to walk away from those children though and doing what I love and being there for T. So hopefully in all of this, the only one she ends up hurting is herself.

From bad to worse

2005-09-28T16:51:00.000-07:00

So after the meeting this morning, J was to speak with T to get his take on things as well as G to get hers. I had let T know that it was ok to talk to J about things, that he would likely want to ask him about it, but not to talk to G about it or any other of the teachers, its just a family thing and if he needs to talk it out he can talk to us or to the principal or if he really has to, his homeroom teacher is ok too. He is so forthcoming he would talk about it to anyone and its not something that really needs to get around, gee arent I nice to think of G on this one.

First words out of Ts mouth when he gets home from school today was "My reading teacher talked about the 'secret' to the WHOLE CLASS!!" After I picked my jaw up off the floor I had him tell me what happened. She announced at the start of class and I quote from T "T's parents are mad at me, so Im not going to mess with T anymore. He can do whatever he wants. He doesnt have to join us." She then directed the class (sans T from this little speach) to open their reading books. T pipped up and said "I will join you." She, however, ignored him for the rest of the class. Not even responding when he raised his hand to ask a question for clarification on a direction. After class, he approached her directly, walked up to her (brave boy:P) and said "I wish to talk to you" to which se replied "No, Dont say it, Dont say it" and walked away to her desk.

Now what I want to know is why the heck is she bringing the entire class in on Ts woes? What does it accomplish to tell a class of second and third graders this personal business that is between T, his dad, me, her and the principal as mediary? (soon to be school board or even lawyer at the rate things are going and how angry I am gettting) I'll tell you what. To make T feel uncomfortable. To put T on the spot. To alientate him to his classmates and make him look like the bad guy. To single him out and make him feel bad. To make T feel like he did something wrong, which of course, he did not. Tell me. Who is the adult here?

Secondly how is he supposed to learn now? Granted we want him out of this classroom regardless, but this just amplifies things tremendously. If she ignores him and will not speak to him and refuses to teach him, how is he to learn squat?!? He isnt. Talked to K and he said to tell T that if he needs clarification or help to go to someone in his group and if she gets mad at him or that other student for talking, he is to respond to her 'Well if you wont help me, I will need to find someone who can.' While I am greatful she wont 'MESS' with my child (ie touch him) This is simply rediculous.

Monday cant get here fast enough now. Two more days, he just needs to stick it out two more days. If anything rotten happens to him tomorrow, I will have Kris pull him out of school early on Friday. Will have him stop by the homeroom teachers to get any post reading work he will miss to do over the weekend. Allow him to skip reading. Make a pit stop to the principals and explain why. To requst that something get put into place for Monday. Sigh. This is just assanine.

One down

2005-09-28T09:09:00.000-07:00

Meeting this morning with the principal went well. He will speak with the teacher in question today. We meet up again, with her and the principal on Monday before school at 8:30.

Found out too, when JM was a teacher, prior to principal, he used the SFA reading program like they do at PVE. His wife, was a facilitator for SFE as well. Apparently, in SFE you dont move kids backwards! So if he ended with 3.2, he would start again with 3.2. He should not be in 3.1 anyway! So the ball is rolling on this perhaps.

I am shaking like a leaf. Re hashing over all this stuff just gets me all worked up again and upset. I need to go find a way to get rid of this excess stress but I dont really know how. Nothing I do works. Aside from sleep. If it comes. I could just slip away into that oblivian for the day. But no, phone calls need to be made regarding a certain Colorado house to pick up some slack where our property manager is dropping the ball. The stress of all this is really wearing on me. We now too have another issue with out there. Apparently the neighbor in between us went to the city. Heavy rains have washed the land surrounding the fence between our property and hers. Its started to expose the cement holdings on her side. She is calling foul and blaming us and saying we need to fix her fence. Sigh. So I need to call and speak with her. Kris tries to reach her at home and she has no machine. D was supposed to get us a work number. Gee she seems to have misplaced it. Was to call back with it yesterday. Never did. Im begining to loose all hope. Whatever thread I had or glimmer is starting to really fade fast. We cant get the time off Ks work to go to Denver to interview and hire someone else.

Things keep piling up. Soon Im not going to be able to see out over any of it...

Preparing For Battle

2005-09-27T12:30:00.000-07:00

Since being in his reading teachers class this year, T has come home saying that his teacher yells at him a lot. That he makes a lot of "mistakes" some days. He gets super fidgity when asked how his day went. After his retelling of his day on Friday, I now know why.

He was supposed to be doing some writing. His pencil was dull and not writing good. He raised his hand to ask if he could sharpen his pencil. She grabbed his arm, and pulled him across the room to the pencil sharpener. He said it hurt. His leg got caught up in his desk and chair. Still, she pulled. He nearly fell over. Back to his desk he is sent. Not too long after, his lead in his pencil breaks. Again, he raises his hand to go sharpen his pencil. Again, she grabs his arm and drags him to the pencil sharpener. So hard this time it hurts him so bad that he begins to cry. To this, she begins to ridicule him in front of the entire class. "BOO HOO! OH BOO HOO! Why dont you stop your stupid bawling!" She then ripped his pencil from his hand and sharpened it herself this time.

Needless to say I am LIVID. No one manhandles my kid that way. After talking with a very highly trusted teacher friend of mine, apparently this teacher has a 'track record.' One of Ms children went to PVE back when this teacher was teaching. And went through her class. And had a lot of the same things happen, including verbal abuse (name calling, stupid, idiot, etc) and things were taken to social services. She was put on notice but nothing more ever came to pass. Apparently, other families have gone through to have problems with her as well. Her rap sheet at social services is long. I am not supposed to know this, my teacher friend could get fired for divulging, so as K and I go to a meeting with the principal (a new one, his second year at PVE, so he is unaware of her history in this) I cant mention it. But we will let him know this current behavour and treatment of T is unacceptable.

I really wish we could have gone in earlier, but Ks work has been hectic. Tomorrow morning at 8:30 is as soon as we could do this together. And while I voulnteer there and know the principal well, and could have gone in by myself yesterday, K wants to be there to thouroughly stress our stance on this, together. Not just me as one, but as a family. That this is deplorable behavior and wont be tolerated. If this happens again, we WILL take it to the school board and social services. The principal needs to be aware of all this before it happens, should it.

My stomach is in knots and I did not sleep well last night. I wont until things get better resolved. Testing to get him out of said class wont happen until the end of the quarter. Not unless the teacher decides to reccomend him early. I am not so sure that would happen.

There is more to this story and the info that I have that I could tell but I wont. I am sick to my stomach and exhausted. I need to find something to take my mind off of things until tomorrow morning. I can get a bit of rest after that but this, I am afraid, is going to be a bit of a long haul.

Somebody out there

2005-09-23T12:14:00.000-07:00

Somebody out there needs a place to live. There is the perfect person, the ideal family. Thats why its been moving slowly, thats why nothing else has panned out yet. It isnt the right one. I have to keep telling myself this and keep beliving it. Even as I watch the money from two mortgages stream out of our bank account. Soon, very soon, there will be nothing left. This debt hole that we have bee working so hard to claw our way out of, that we had finally started to see the light at the end of it, has avalanched and caved in upon us. In order to do this, we take out more debt. We can last. awhile even. But at what cost? In the long run, we suffer horribly.

I keep looking out the window and watching and waiting. The phone will ring, and D will say "They are here. Its perfect for them. They needed it so badly, the waiting is over." But the calls dont come. I have to be the one to pick up the phone. No news isnt good news in this situation.

The stress of this is having nearly the same effects on my family as when K got laid off. Yet we count our blessings that his job is still there now, still solid. Our health, fair to midlan. Could be way worse though. Overall life is good. Cept for this one, big, huge thorn in our sides. I wish so badly we could just sell that house. I hate that the market is so miserable there that we are stuck with it. I feel miserable with myself that I feel any kind of anger towards the previous renters for leaving. Its not as though it was their fault and I truely wish them no ill will. I am very angry at myself for that creeping in at all. I dont know where that comes from. Just overall frustration at this sence of helplessness I guess.

Well enough of all the ranting and whining. Soon, please Lord. May it be soon.

My sister and her family took their vacation up in Yellowstone/Tetons this week so they are in the state. She mentioned possibly stopping by this weekend. "sometime." You know like how when the repairman gives you a window of when they will show up to your house? Its kinda like that. Im not ever allowed to give her a window. I kinda find it funny that she does this to me. Narry a phone call. She might not even show up! She got a little mift when I mentioned I wouldnt be telling T of her possible arrival. She mentioned they might not come That they may spend an extra day there instead of here, which I actually fully hope they take. Its got to be simply georgous up there now. Everything turning at that higher elevation, and we have had such cool nights and crisp days. The aspens all algow...simply delightful. Why get the hopes of my kid up only to dissapoint him? Surprises are always fun anyway. If they show, he will be elated that cousin N is here. The look on his face alone will be priceless. Much better than the look he would have if he knew they were to come and then didnt show, let alone phone. Its just better that way. She is a mother, she should understand that!

So anyway. The house is cluttered and I should tend to it, just in case. Need to strip the guest bed and wash the sheets, make it super fresh. Dishwasher needs unloaded and loaded, I have a mound of laundry to fold and I am behind on the filing/mail. Cant just snap my fingers and wish it all done. need to do what I am able to before K gets home to help finish it up.

Listen

2005-09-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

Change by Tracy Chapman

If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?
Why risk falling?

If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?

2005-09-21T13:06:00.000-07:00

I really feel I should be typing something here today, but I dont know what to say.

Pleasant Surprise

2005-09-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

Ive been in the process of putting together an online shop via Zazzle.com. Its been taking awhile and I havent really told anyone about it yet and wont until I get everything set up, which at the rate I am going will take me a little while. I logged onto it today to check on things, and lo and behild I have actually sold something! Grantd, my royalty on it is pretty low, but its a trade off....set up a store that is free, pay more to the folks that head it to create your product...or pay a monthly fee to someplace yet get more bang for your buck. Well I figure if this zazzle store does well, I can take some of the earnings from there and put it towards a cafepress (paid) account where I would earn higher royalty but pay a monthy processing fee. They also have a greater product base. Zazzle only offers posters/prints, note cards and shirts.

The piece that I sold was a small sized, non framed print of Devils Tower. One of my better photographs, if I can toot my own horn (something Im not entirely comfortable doing really)

Also, discovered that our favorite radio station out of Boulder, KBCO, now finally offers online streaming so I can listen to them whenever I want to. This is awesome because there arent any radio stations up here that I particularly like. So this has been fun. Ive missed their music line ups. Just a simple pleasure really.

Now if I can just find the off switch in my head to drown out my worries over T and the isses we still face financially over our Colorado rental, Ill be in good shape. However, as it goes, this stress is getting the better of me.

No Child Left Behind

2005-09-13T08:55:00.000-07:00

How can a child get predominately As and Bs in their school work with only a few Cs and one or two Ds coming off a week when they were out sick the whole week and didnt know the story or the vocab for the tests...but gee, still didnt get an F...How can a child get all Es and Ss, be meeting or exceeding standards for reading, and then still get retained?

Imagine my surprise when I am working at the school yesterday and its the first day of reading for the new year. I learn that my sons homeroom teacher is to be the reading teacher for level 3.2. The level my son should be in. He came home on Friday mentioning the name of the teacher he would have starting Monday. Come to find out Monday morning that this teacher is teaching level 3.1. The level that T went through LAST year. Been there, done that, did fantastic.So I wonder...did he test badly? He has had this horrible cold and allergy problem since the first day of school practically. The medicines we have to put him on make him wonkier than his cold does. His allergies make his eyes itch and swell and if he is focused on them, he certainly cant focus on his school work, let alone a test.

Talking to his homeroom teacher, she suggest I talk to the head of reading and see if re testing is a possibility. So down I go to her room to visit with her to find out.Lo and behold they havent exactly tested yet....this year, they have predominately gone off of teacher recommendation from last year. hmmm. Now isnt that interesting? Kindly re read the opening question here of this thread....I am absolutely stymied.

The only concerns his reading teacher came to me with last year was his issues of T not testing well. T hardly EVER tests well. He was told this repeatedly by me. When asked if his test scores were showing a correlation to his school work, he would either say no or change the subject and say nothing. or try to make up some strange thing of well yeah maybe. I think personally he WANTED there to be some reflection between the two. He was a new teacher, and while he had this grand enthusiasm in the classroom and was good with the kids, he obviously doesnt seem to know the first thing about children with special needs or issues or gee maybe about child individuality. My kid is NOT like every other child in the classroom. Did not help either, that come the 4th quarter he was off his diet. His behavior, of course, changed dramatically. Said teacher rather freaked. Calling me at home and asking if something were going on in our household that would be stressing out my boy to make him act like this. Again, it was all re explained to him about his allergies and his ADHD tendencies. Lovely how a kid can be left to slip through the cracks more or less. Just enough off to be picked up on radar by everyone, but not severe enough to warrant help. This makes him extremely difficult to teach, I am sure. One has to have a lot of patience and love in their hearts for kids...and a deep understanding to see past all the crap and not hold his behavior against him. Dont get me wrong. he is not a bad child. He just has focus issues, sometimes needs things repeated to him. needs extra reminders. There are ways to work around if, if one is willing to as a teacher, to make things work so that he succeeds. And greatly too, for he is no dummy.

Never once did this teacher come to me and say 'your child is not passing my class.'' Your child runs the risk of needing to repeat this level.' Never once did he say 'I cant justify moving him on.' Conversely, I never thought to ask if it were a possible issue or problem! Look at his report cards overflowing with high marks! Look at his weekly homework returns. Again, he typically did great. The only time he had any kind of issues was the last quarter of the year and most children were squirly at that time as spring neared. and his test scores. he wasnt failing his tests, his scores were simply dropping. Again, I reiterate, T DOESNT TEST WELL. Talk to his home room teachers. They will tell you too. he just doesnt. He has a hard time, he freezes up. I was much the same way as a child. Over think everything, take too much time. Then have to rush to finish and make a ton of mistakes, its all overwhelming. I see so much of me in T at school.

So here it is. A combination of teacher recommendations and test scores. He is the only child in that entire reading group that didnt move on. Wait no, that is not entirely true. One other girl is repeating 3.1 with him. She was sick most of the school year and missed a TON of school. Her classwork was effected because she wasnt there to do her work, wasnt there to learn the material, and thusly, couldnt pass the class. I am not so sure that this child had all As and Bs and S and Es on her report cards.

So here he repeats a reading level. Based on a recommendation by a teacher who had him for only 1.5 hours a day. Not his homeroom teacher. One who was in his first year of teaching, and only doing reading classes, not even a full on classroom. He has always been ahead in his reading classes. Why couldnt someone take a closer look at all of this? The system is failing my boy.I sat in on the first day in his reading group yesterday. A boring day because it was the frist day, they set up a lot of rules. Looking over at T he was yawning, stretching, his eyes not always on the teacher which was driving her batty. She kept getting on him to look at her constantly. His eyes were nearly swollen shut from his allergies. One could look at him and see that he was feeling miserable. Couple that with having to mostly sit and listen to class rules, I am sure one can picture it. If you know my child, I am sure you can see h im wiggling in his seat, playing around with his fingers, chewing on his pencil. She expected everyone to just sit rim rod still. Well thats gonna be fun. My child has so much pent up energy that even while he sits and does his work, something is moving or shifting. He cant think clearly sometimes if he cant. Oh are we in for a fun year or what? When I pulled her aside after class I did let her know that it was prolly the meds he was on that caused him to be the way he was for her this day. and that things should be better next week. to which she said Well I certaily hope so! Course I can not guarantee that it will be better. If he is bored, he will display the same kind of behavior. And it will only worsen.

So they say he can test out of the reading group. mmmm test out. inst that nice? I dont know that he can. I know he can do the 3.2 work. I dont know if he can test well enough to get there. Maybe he can. but there is a chance he might not either. The head of the reading department stated that if his new 3.1 teacher noticed him doing really well in class the next few weeks, that he could even be moved up then. 3.1 teacher came and asked if she could speak with me after class and apparently the reading head came and talked to her of my concerns and now she thinks i hate her and dont think she is a good teacher. She was very upset and before the conversation was even over, I was in tears, I was so angry and so frustrated. I hate it when the waterworks come when I am mad. So weak of me and yet I feel it coming and I cant seem to stop it. At the most inopportune times. Im so humiliated. I have to be strong and a pit bull for my boy and there I am blubbering and trying to make her feel better which isnt going to help. She asks to give her a chance with him....I pretty much say well fine but if he is showing boredom or improvements she really needs to let me know....to which she sneers and says well yeah sure but if today is any indication...

So here we have a teacher who will potentially look at his behavior, not at his school work. Who will judge him on how still he sat that day, not how he did on his vocab test or how fluently and easily he read. Will hold him back over having to repeat directions and give him an extra prod over how well he formed his sentences in creative writing or how he aced his story test. Add that to maybe not testing well on the big computer test.....and where is this going to leave him?

Since I can not seem to rectify the injustice of last year, its all falling on deaf ears. Because gee, a teacher MUST know more than a parent, lets not even look at his scores and reading history, lets just listen to this one opinion and let it form solid. All I can do is try to help him to understand how important it is he try to focus for his new teacher. To read and do the work even if it is too easy. and to try to test well. How do you teach a kid how to test well? We will be doing extra reading and Ill be quizing him over his comprehension as much as I can. That will hopefully help. course its nothing new than what we already do, but maybe if I increase the times and also do it with him on the weekends? Usually we take a break from all that. But the only way he is going to be able to prove or show to them that he needs to be where he needs to be is if he soars on the test that comes at the end of the quarter. a whole quarter. :(

My heart aches, my head aches. I cant stop playing things over and over and over in my head. Other things I could have or should have said. Things I wish I didnt say. Im still feeling emotional, on the edge of tears. Not good. K says things will just work themselves out. I have to wonder how they worked themselves into this position in the first place. The best that I can hope for if this first quarter doesnt go well, is that they are on a fast track and are able to move through the 3.1 curricula the first half of the year and get into 3.2 stuff come 3rd and 4th quarter. And then, gee hope that teacher recommendation works as its supposed to and he gets put into 4.1 the start of next year. There is a chance it wont though. Ill be asking about that when I am there next week, and hopefully a little calmer.

This school of his touts the reading program Bush implemented. No child left behind. What about my kid? I really had thought my school problems were over with or at least understood, the last few years have been going so much better since we moved up here from Denver. Now we are hitting another HUGE roadblock. Guess its time to also check out home schooling stuff on reading and supplement here at home. I know my kid. He will fall into complacency within that classroom and wont try any harder than with what he is given. Especially if the teacher treats him a certain way. He has already noticed that he is not in the same reading group with the same kids, the same faces as he has had every single year in the past. they didnt say yesterday to the kids that it was reading group 3.1. I am dreading the day that they do, he will come unglued. He knows he has already been through all that. I am trying to think of what to say to explain it to him so I can help him move through and stay upbeat and motivated because he just will stop trying and caring. Well there is a risk for it anyway.

On a happy note he has the most wonderful home room teacher and has been doing very well in the rest of his studies. Yesterday was just a miserable horrible emotional day for me that I cant get out of my head, and its so hard to not be able to take a more proactive role and get things fixed. I have done pretty much what I can, shy of taking this all up with the principal. Not that I have much faith that he will do a whole lot. I will see how this week goes, return to work next week and I am sure have things be brought up to me again. Course I plan to seek it out and ask. To talk to his reading teacher again. Re open that can of worms. Go back to the head of reading again if I must. And then to the principal after all that. Someone, afterall, has to be Ts voice. But after all of that the bulk of it really is up to him. And I am lacking all faith now that he will be seen for his brain and his work and his efforts, that he will only be seen as the picture that last years reading teacher painted, and the child that was seen the first day/week of school. There is a reason I didnt choose this 3.1 reading teacher as his homeroom teacher this year. Its all coming round to bite us, so it seems. And I am trying to just hold on, trying to let things work out the way they are ment to. Its so very hard.

Floating

2005-09-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

Lately, I feel as though I am just floating through my days. My ambition and drive, forced. Maybe its because I am feeling the heart wrenching agony of the loss of NOLA. Im empathic, I feel deep in my heart what my best friend and her family are feeling. I feel helpless to make it go away, to ease the pain for them, to make things better. I know what things they need and I havent the resources. Were I wealthy it all would be ok and I could say dont worry, I have it all covered, I love you. All I can do is fall to my knees and ask God to take care of them. K and I glued to tv and reports of things and to say I am shocked is an understatement. I can not believe the actions of the people right now. The riots and the looting. The deaths. They had to stop rescuing people. They were trying to helicopter folks out of the superdome but were getting SHOT AT by people still stranded on their rooftops, demanding that they get resuced first. I know that its difficult to wait in that kind of circumstance and quite honestly I dont even know how I could mentally fare something like that, but will gunning down the help really make a difference? Sure make it so no one gets out. Thats really intelligent. Its ghastly and sickening. So many deaths, so much destruction. It makes my heart hurt.

I look out the window of my house and its simply wonderful here. Sunny and warm but not too hot. I almost feel guilty for having such wonderful days up here when things down there are so miserable. Makes all of my worries and troubles seem insignificant; like I shouldnt even be fretting over things. We still do not have a renter for our COLO home and paying double mortgages has me up in arms. October is like Christmas for our family and its looming around the corner. We have a lot of birthdays that month that we will have to do something in the way of gifts for....if we dont get someone in that house soon, we wont be able to do much if anything. and then Christmas to follow shortly after that. Looks like yet another stressful holiday year. Remember my grinchness from last year? I think it may come early this year and is starting now. :P So see I have these worries that wear on me and then in the back of my mind this nasty little voice snips at me and says 'what are you so concerned about, your worries are nothing compared to others. you still have a home. K has a job. you have your stuff. they have lost everything....' So I feel guilty for all that. My worries are nothing in comparison. They are still there though.

T started 3rd grade and has been off at school all week. That always leaves me feeling melancholy too. I just get used to having him around 24/7 over the summer and next thing you know he heads back to school. I will join him there though once or twice a week next week or the one after that. Back to school night is on the 6th. I will prolly look at setting up a precise day(s) of the week with his teacher then and start the week after, the week of the 12th. I should enjoy my alone time now while I have it then eh? It always takes me a while to get into that mode though. Right now I just kinda miss him....Also I wont get to work with my favorites, the first graders :( well maybe I can after the first of the year. The teacher has a student teacher this year and so there is nothing for me to do in that class. :( That news really kinda crushed me. Ive been working in that classroom now for the past 3 years. I love love love that age group. sigh.

I miss my daily phone calls from my friend in NOLA. Her long distance plan allowed her to call often, for no extra money. This house is just way too quiet and still.

Ive been having horrid migranes and digestive issues. If its not one thing weighing me down its another. Allergies have welled up as well. that is actually whats prolly been helping my headaches along. Its all been knocking me out in the evenings. k gets home from work for me to go and crash in the dark of my bed and its not soon enough.

we are going to colorado this weekend for the holiday. I do hope that my tum and head hold out so that I can enjoy myself. my head is already starting to re pound again. popping the pills like its candy, its holding where it is and I hope against hope it doesnt worsen. we get three days down there now instead of our usual two. we will head out the door today when ty is off school and k off work. i need to do a little more packing and then we can just hit the road and get down there hopefully before 9 or 10pm. the weather is due to be nice. YAY. Ill get a chance to play around with the camera up at Estes Park and what not. We havent been out and about the last few weekends, Im slacking in the photographic department as of late. And when the snow comes, well pics will tend to cease all together until the thaw unless T lets me chase him around the house with it. Thats a possibility. He is a ham and loves his photo taken. Im way behind on processing all the pics I have taken this summer too though. I promised the mom in law I would get Ts birthday party pics up on flikr like oh a month and a half ago. :P Im just a wee bit behind on schedule, no?

Well I am rambling, my posts here are usually as such. Its nearly noon. Try to see if I can stomach something to eat and get back to work. Maybe when Im home Tuesday Ill feel motivated to blog something more worth reading. :P

Have a great Labor Day weekend, all.

Hello Katrina

2005-08-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

Why are the names of deadly huricanes given such pretty, soft, feminine names? There is nothing pretty soft or feminine about these storms. Thoughts of a name like "Katrina" conjure up such lilting images. How decieving!

My very best friend and her family live off lake Ponchtrain (or however you spell it, I am sure I butchered it badly) in Kenner, LA. I am greatful that they were able to scrape together enough money to hit the road and run north to stay with family in Iowa. Their bodies are safe, but I worry if they will have a home to return to. How they will manage to pay the bills that will still keep coming despite not having a home or job to go to? I know that they will be fed and cared for while they are in Iowa but I just fear them having to rebuild their lives, fear them loosing everything. If they cant pay their van payment how will they even drive home? My own financial situation is tight and I just scream that I cant help in ways that I know they are going to need. My stomach churns as I scan the internet and watch the weather channel. I wish I could do so much more and yet cant and that aggrivates me terribly.

So I just pray. Pray that the second story of their home withstands the flooding that I have read has covered most of the area. That all the things they moved upstairs will be spared. That their roof and windows held. That clean up will move swiftly and they can return back home when the storm has passed. That A and D will have jobs to return to in a hurry, that things wont be as bad as its starting to seem.

Its always so hard to watch things like this. So many peoples lives dismantled. Doesnt really matter where you live, there is something. Hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, blizzards. Its just hard to sit back and watch the devestation.

Im feeling rather out of it today. Helpless and saddened...my thoughts and prayers to that whole gulf area, everyone hit and effected by this storm....

To Spear or not to Spear

2005-06-25T23:20:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago we went to Applebees for dinner. T had his requesite paper kids menu, complete with crayons and puzzles and games. They all seem to run on themes there lately, well at least the last few times we have eaten there, which isnt super regular but I digress. This one had a lot to do with classical artists, be they painters like Da Vinci, songwrites like Mozart or writers, like Shakespere.

K is looking over the stuff with T and explaining who everyone is. T reads Shakesperes name and misprounces it. K sounds it out for him...SHAKES SPEAR. Do you know who that is? K asks?

T sits for a long moment, and you can tell he is deep in thought. His lil forehead is all furrowed. After a bit he says well......I know Britany Spears.....

SLIIIIIGHT difference, I do think! LOL. Even the table next to us bust out laughing as they overheard. I must say that really gave us a hearty laugh. Maybe you had to be there, wrapped up in that moment, but it was great.

Anyway, K wanted me to record this somewhere, so here it be. :P

Its late, 12:30 and we are heading out to Scotts Bluff to go to the zoo and some caching. Need to try to get sleepy and sleep so we can get out the door early with me not groggy. hahaha. me not groggy in the morning. Im such a dang night owl. At least I can nap in the car for part of the trip.

Greased Lightning!

2005-05-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

This car is automatic!

Its systamatic!

Its HYYYYdromatic!

Why its Greased Lightning!!!

ahhhhhhhhh hubby took me to see the off broadway musical, Grease, as it rolled into town last week. He appeases me, takes me to one show a year, my choise, and suffers through it and my antics afterwards. My love for theatre and musical theatre (what he dosent really care for) will prolly burn inside me forever. Front row tickets he got this year! "They werent that much more than up in the stands" he said. "Besides, I got them for you months ago to ensure this...." Wow, that made my night. He is immune from sleeping on the sofa now for...well...months!!!

No better place to sit for a theatre show than the front row...every expression, every nuance can be seen. Ive been on cloud nine ever since, rollin around the house, singing....hunting aroud for my tape of Grease that dad recorded for me off the vinal that I still have somewhere back when I was 12 and the movie came out. Listening to it nearly non stop...well til K comes home from work and gives me the look and T says ohhh mom, those songs again? Do I have to sing with you today? lol

It all makes me a tad melancholy though. As we leave the events center and K looks at me and says are you ok? How is it that he can see the melancholy in my eyes behind the laughter and the smiles? How is it that he can touch upon what is layered deeper in my heart that I dont even really want to fully look at myself? I dont really answer and just nod, reach out to grip his hand and smile.

"When you walk again" he says "You know you can get back up there and do that again."
I say nothing but I fight the tears a little that are just beneath that surface. I miss it, I really really do. There is nothing like beind up on a stage, the crowd cheering and clapping, the stage lights nearly blinding, the addreneline of a job well done, a show well complete, a story told, and to have crept inside a character and been someone else for just that night. Its incomparable. Granted, I hadnt preformed in theatere, musical or otherwise, in years well before my injury. Think I was 19 or 20 when I did my last show. Moved away from Co. at that time, left the college, church and community theatre ties I had, got busy with other things and too chicken to check out other places to go act. Funny I should just abandon it after having been so very involved since jr. high age. Course the bug was with me even before then. I used to sit in front of the television, mesmerized, watching Sesame Street and asking my mom how those kids got into the box; I wanted to be in there too! She always told me I was being silly. A theme that continued for many years after.

When we HAD to take speech and drama as a 7th grade elective, I was so nervous, I did NOT want to take that course. But wow, what a surprise I had found. I was hooked from that point on. My dreams of acting, growing more and more each year, much to my parents' dismay. Not Hollywood, mind you, but BROADWAY. They went to my shows and did the obligatory clap and cheer, but they never ceased to impose upon me their views of my foolishness for wanting this as a lifes carrer choice. Always forever steering me in other directions, pointing out other things I was good at, never fully acknowledging that maybe - just maybe - I did have a talent in this and could maybe pursue it, never just letting me savor a golden moment. "Yes, you did a good job honey, but you know your so much better at poetry." or "Well of course Dad and I liked the show...for a highschool performance...How did babysitting go the other night? You know your really quite good with children...."You dont seriously intend to major in theatre in college now do you? You do realize what kind of a chance you have, or rather -chuckle- dont have? You could never be good enough for THAT! Its such a choice few that can make a living in acting. You have so many other talents that you are choosing to ignore..." and so it goes. Truth of the matter, I wasnt that bad! I was a good dancer. Not the best mind you, I didnt take to it as rapidly as others, it took me a tad longer to learn a rutine, but once I had it, it was in stone and I never missed a beat or a movement. My voice? I could sing, but not the strongest leading voice. In musical theatre, I didnt get lead roles, but I was good for backup in a choir or a secondary part. And I was often chosen as a major role understudy. Only once having to actually fill thoese shoes and come out and sing for the gal originally meant to do Liesel in Sound of Music. But acting, now that I could do. I had been told I had talent. I managed to get good roles in almost any play I auditioned for. This went beyond school and into church productions and community theatre. I was one of the few theatre students in highschool to get chosen to perform a monolgue piece for the gifted and talented awards ceremony. Yet to them I was never good enough, had foolish dreams, and eventually, I believed them. College was a bigger sea in which to swim, and as I had a harder go of things with the added competition, my parents never failed to feed upon that insecurity and show their disfavor of my choices. I still didnt fare too badly though, just wish I could have seen it. I did eventually end up changing my major to English, but holding onto the thread of a theatre minor. Long story meant for another post, I never did finish either degree.

Life happened, time moved on, I floundered through different jobs and carreer choices, all of which Ive done well in but all which have left me feeling empty. As I gazed upon that traveling theatre troupe, something resounded within my heart. That was to have been my life, if I could have chosen it...if I had had the spine to block out the negativity of my family and just listen to my heart....but I never was that kind of person. Wasnt until my adult years that I realized I dont really NEED my mothers approval of anything in order to be happy or to have self worth. I just have to find it and have it within. Course in order to go and recaputure all of that lost dream is a little late now....

Course had I had the nerve to go after what I wanted like that, I wouldnt have the life I have today. I wouldnt have my wonderful husband, I wouldnt have my beautiful child. I mourn somewhat though, the girl who didnt believe in herself. And now that I do have belief? I mourn the woman whoes soul is trapped in a body that can no longer...dance on the stage...I miss it. dancing. I miss it more than walking.

Well as T gets older, Ill prolly look into local community theatre again...if typecasting isnt an issue or pity casting for the chair. I wonder how that will be looked at or if this tiny town I live in even has community theatre. I know there is the community college theatre and there is a theatre for young children preformers, but I havent found anything else....and should I ever get these legs back again? Well you better believe, I'll be found dancing.....

Ignorance

2005-04-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

I just have to remind myself that often, peoples rudness simply stems from ignorance. Nothing more than that really, right? I tell myself that and yet things cut me to the bone. Hurt me, make me cry. I havent felt discrimination like this in a long time. and this is coming from family. wow.

Something so stupid really. Yet you know people really do need to learn to handle things with tact. Unless of course your intent is to cause pain. See we are making the trek to see my ailing Grandfather in Texas first part of May. Long trip. Long drive. Expensive gas. Have to kennel the puppy at the vets. Was talking to my mom about the cost of it all and hoping we could wing it, and this wasnt counting hotel room for two nights there. Every time family gets together in Texas, we generally get a hotel while my Aunt Joann and Uncle Dale open up thier house to my sister and her family, and my mom and dad. Though mom and dad usualy end up staying with my Uncle Charles cuz dad and Butch are closer, but I digress. So this year mom said you know, the trip is such a short one and does cost a bundle, why dont you and your sister stay with Joann and your dad and I with his brother, and that way you dont have to worry about hotel cost. Dad talked to Joann, call her and let her know you guys will be coming, this will all work out fine.

Now it is nice to have a hotel to have your own space sometimes, but its nice to have this other option in case of tight finances etc. So I try calling Joann but they are never home, so I figure time is of the essence, ill just email her. Wrote a short note thanking her for the offer to stay with her, and that yes, we would be pleased to take her up on her offer, will help with the costs of the trip overall, and we look forward to seeing her. Got a very short, very curt, rather nasty, rude email back. Basically in a nutshell telling me that not only can we not stay at her house but that it just wont work to have us stay at Carles' or Grandpas either. Because of my wheelchair. That gee its just not accessible. No bathrooms will work. She will gladly make me a hotel reserveation instead. Now we have been to their house to visit many times. None of them have inaccessible houses. None of them have a bathroom door I can fit through either, but if she were to stop and think about it, it doesnt pose a problem, and if she is concerned, whey didnt she just ask me what I would need or not need and would I be comfortable rather than saying no sorry, cant stay here. Oh and its not just cant stay with her its cant stay with ANYONE. Which is bullshit (pardon the french) how can she speak for the whole family like that? I feel very discriminated against right now. I know its not my right to expect to stay with family on this trip. Never have we expected it. But to be told that we could and then have this slap in the face was totally unexpected. Guess I know now why the rest of the family is always welcomed with open arms ahd has a place to stay and she hasnt ever invited me directly. Dad must have gotten it mixed up, as Joann said. "I thought your father understood the situation here." Yeah. I think we all understand now. A little too well.

Mom called and we were talking on the phone and I told her of the email and the situation, and how Im half tempted just not to go to Texas now and how that hurts cuz I want to go see Grandpa but I dont want to be around family that obviously doesnt want me there. Ok maybe that is a bit of an exageration but it sure as hell is how it makes me feel. She said she would have dad talk to her but I say no. cuz even if he were to change her mind, I will know in the back of my mind how she really feels. I wont feel welcome. Dont know if we will have the funds to make the trip, if I can finagle an extra 100+ for hotel stay on top of everything else. it was tight as it is.

My head is reeling and I feel reduced. I generally feel pretty ok about my life and what cards Ive been delt despite it all. Its very rarely that I feel inadequate. Ive got to find a handle on this emotion right now though. She isnt worth it to make me feel this way. It all isnt worth it. And I am sure that this all stems from ignorance, though my mom was pretty outraged and said no, its pretty much just Joann. And to let dad fix it. But I dont know how I can just let them talk it out and go there and act as if it is all ok. Im not feeling ok right now. It will pass and Ill feel better when I cool off. But I dont know that I can ever feel the same about her again.

Fractalicious

2005-04-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

I am so imursed in fractal art now it isnt even funny. Addicted. Yes, that is a better word. I havent ever found such free flowing fun with art as I have in creating these funky, abstract fractals. Im getting better at it, finding an easier time with apop. Slowly learning its intricasies and producing clearer, better renders. After tax time here in a few, I think Im even going to get a prints account with Deviant Art, Ive gotten a few notes asking if I would sell some of it. Have friends that would be interested. Makes it easier for ME to print up what I might want for myself, and I think I know what family might be getting for gifts when Christmas rolls around. ;)

Its keeping me very busy. This need to create is stronger than ever. I have still been writing just not posting it.

Also being pulled strongly to finish up and get my master attunement in reiki. Its time to move that forward as well.

Going to CO. this weekend to see family. Feels good to finally have good health and spring like weather to break out of the house and just GO. Taking camera, hope to get some good, fun pics of family and the rockies. :)

K is able to take the one day off work to drive to Texas in May to see my Grandpa. It will be a long haul. A 12 hour drive straight down friday, spend sat with him and family, a 12 hour drive straight back on sunday. Its imparitive though. He is dying. Heart is going out on him. Prolly gonna be the last I get to see of him, so this trip, its a must. Thinking now that we will spend summer vacation out in Cali to see Ks grammy. Its the year of the grandparent, it really is. With the passing of Ks grandpa Oscar, its just been like a domino effect. Need to pull family close together. Too many of us getting sick and hurting or passing away.

I know this is all a very discombobulated post. My mind is whirring in a million different directions (no i dont have adult add but sometimes i feel like it!:P ) just another lil update. Time to go work on more art for a bit. ;)

Updates

2005-03-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

Deviant Art is down. I'm sitting here slowly going crazy. Did not realize just how addicted to that web site I am. I really enjoy browsing everyones art, keeping up with the new deviations of everyone on my watch list. Uploading my own things. Reading and responding to journals, comments. Oye! So here I sit, working on art (got a new fractal freeware toy, Tierazon. Its kinda nifty. Easier to use than apop, but a bit more limited. Turns out fractals with a completely different feel. Its all sorta psycadelic. Very fun!) And spamming the web site in hopes that it will come up soon. Every piece I frame and complete, gotta check. Cuz you never know. It just might be up already and I am misssssin out!

Easter is officially cancled. Well our trip to see family is. T has been struggling with his viral thing for 4 weeks now. Dad seems to have the same thing T does now, but mom is worried about whooping cough. Sounds like he has a very strange bark. He goes to the doc on Monday to get things checked out. My nephew, N, has been vomiting all morning. Not to mention we have had a snowstorm blow through. Six inches on the ground, and snow predicted in CO. We refuse to take the desolate drive between here and there in snowy weather. Tried that a few times in the past, but the wind, even with only a light snowfall coming down, creates white out conditions. Not something Im too excited about experiencing ever again, if it can be avoided.

We were looking foward to the trip down, to see family we havent in awhile. Let the kids color eggs and hut and play. Celebrate Ks birthday a few days early with everyone. With all of our busy schedules, we have re set a tentative BD celebrate date for April 16th I believe it is. So K is off to the grocery store to get a small amt. of things for a basket for T, and eggs to hard boil and color tonight. Ive been feeling like I am teetering on the edge of catching Ts bug, and I am sooo very exhausted and really not wanting to put together the normal Easter hooo haaa. Wondering if we can skip the egg hunt and just say here, bunny left you a basket.....Such a bad parent I am, wanting to skimp out on what is childhood fun for my kid. K wont really help. Well minimally. So if its gonna get done, Ill have to do the bulk of it. At least work on the eggs with T. K will hide them. Ill have to put together the basket after he comes back from the store. I didnt have to go with, he will do the shopping. So I do guess it all does balance out. My, I am such a complainer lately! Gotta work on that, its not a way I like to be.

Dreaming of angles lately. Ok well one angel in particular. The archangel, Michal. Just as I am waking up it seems, from a night of relativly dreamless sleep, I see a face that in my mind I know to be his. He is looking pretty human, except that he glows. His face is full of love and it is just inches from mine, filling my vision, surrounding my being and his lips are moving but I am not hearing what he is saying. I know that we had been sitting there talking, and I have this buring need to try and recall what we had been laughing and talking about so comfortably for the past...who knows...entire course of the evening? But as I stumble backwards in my recollective mind, all I can see or feel is what I see and feel before me, and it is all so vauge, despite being tangible in those final moments before awakeing fully. A scent fills the room. Vanilla and floral and something else. Hard to really describe fully, its a huge mixture of things and the vanilla and floral is only but a teensy tiny part of this whole smell, not really fully it at all, but I have no other words to describe it. I come to more fully and I have this feeling, like a voice in my head, saying we need to talk. Not an urgent talk but something like what I already saw us doing. Sitting, laughing, loving. This dream has been repeating now off and on for a week and a half. Prolly should post about it in my dream blog that is severely neglected too, but Ill just leave it all here for the time being.

So anyway, the anti blogger writes! I know I keep saying Ill do better with keeping in touch on here. I guess I shouldnt make promises that I am not so liable to keep. Ill post, but just not so much. Time in a day limited, and when I get writing or playing with art, I loose track of the day, it slips away from me. Couple that with being mom and wifie, and I just dont get around to blogging. I do try to put down once a week to read everyones blogs and play catch up. Even if I dont post or respond, I am reading. Just so you know. ;)

A potential Threat

2005-03-17T15:39:00.000-07:00

As I hunkered down in the recliner with a good book last week, movement caught my eye out the window. The telephone line was bobbing up and down, yet there was no wind. Squinting out the window, in the darkening shaddow I could make out this rather large form, perched next to the telephone pole. I hollared for Kris to come check it out, He and T were enthralled. K raced to get the camera, and outside he went, frantically taking photos. (the one below is the only one that turned out, and modestly at best. I didnt take the time to try and blow it up or lighten it or remove the noise. Been sick, so sue me rofl)

When the flash went off, he unfurrled a wing with a span of a good 3 feet straight out, and spun his head around to stare, horn tuffts flattened. He sat there for some time after that, not really bothered by K and his shutterbug, but more fascinated with the little white dog racing around the yard.

K stopped to look at something with the camera and heard this loud WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH, and glanced up to see the owl swoop down just over his head, skimming it. The giant bird flew down into the yard, a b-line for the windows where I sat just beyond watching it all, then veered up the ramp, over the roof and flew away, Maizy in tail yapping after him.

Oh, its just a bard owl, Kim. K said. Aweful big barn owl, I murmered, and put it out of my head. Til I took the time to upload the pics and take a look. I thought that wing span was kinda big for a barn owl......

Great horned owls eat house cats.
Great horned owls eat skunks.
Great horned owls eat coons.
Great horned owls eat coyotes. (small)
Great horned owls eat porcupines.
Great horned owl will take on a goose.

A great horned owl could eat my puppy. :(

Great horned owls can carry off and take down an animal 3X its own body weight. They weigh themselves around 2-3lbs. Thats a 20-30 lb. critter, folks. Maizy is lucky to weigh 20lbs sopping wet.

Great horned owls tend to have a hunting area of about 10 miles. What is it coming down off the mountain for? -cry-

Where there is one, there is generally two. They often have a mate.

Great horned owls have "favorite" roosting spots that they tend to come back to. Chances are, especially now that its spotted my dog, that it will come back. Maybe not at dusk, but at night when we dont see it. Its highly probable that it already has been, its just been to late and too dark for us to notice.

Great horned owls like to sit up high to watch for food, wait for the prey to NOTICE it, then swoop down and catch it in its talons, killing the prey instantly. They then carry their kill off to the nest to eat it there. (Unless it is a mouse that they can swallow whole, there on the spot.)

Im petrified. :( Maizy is now no longer allowed to go out at dusk or beyond by herself. Her nighttime potty before bed, K is to take her out on the leash, keeping her close to him. She wont like this one bit. She likes to get in a nightly run. But I just cant risk having my darling baby become some predators dinner.

As majestic and wonderful as these birds are, I am not too thrilled to have spotted one near my back yard. :(

2005-03-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

Great Horned Owl

New Do!

2005-03-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

After living up here in WY for over 3 years now, I have only just NOW found a hairdresser that I like; one that can actually work with my hair. I tend to always just keep what works too. Hardly ever try something new. I do eventually but after a long long while. My typical do is to keep my hair long (it had gotten almost halfway down my back) taper/razor cut it around my face, undercut the ends so it turns under, and whispy bangs. A good cut for me, if one can DO the razor cuts right. I have had it messed up more than looking right since we moved up here from Denver.

So there Im sitting in the salon chair and she asks, what are we doing for you today? I begin to tell her how I usually have my hair done. And think I think for a moment and pause. And out of my mouth comes "But you could try something different...." Guess I figured if I was going to have funky, messed up hair yet again as always, it might as well be funky and messed up with a whole new look lol.

She sais ok, how about we cut the ends differently, take it shorter and give you layers, keep your bangs long but textured...I just nod and kinda bite my tongue. Dont know why I didnt say anything, I was oddly. and possibly morbidly at this point. Curious. Generally my hair does NOT do well with layers. I have only had one hair dresser be able to give me layers that didnt make my hair kink up and stick out at odd angles or loose all life and hang limp as it twisted in weird directions instead of laying straight.

Well below is the before and after shots. Well as before a shot as I had. The pic is a smidge old, but as close to what I normally do with my hair. I had gotten to the point where it had grown out so much that there were no tapers and the bangs were unruley all because i was frusrtated over hair dressers. In that before pic things arent cut well either, that was a bad cut I got just before we went on our trip to WA to celebrate K's grandfathers 100th birthday. A proffessional gave me those crooked bangs, not me. Need I say more? lol

Below is my new do. I LOVE it. I have movement and its so much lighter. Ive never had my ends cut to flip up like that, never not had bangs that covered my forehead. I actually am totally thrilled with the way things turned out for a change. :) Ill be keeping this gal. that is for sure. lol

2005-03-07T21:11:00.000-07:00

Before

2005-03-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

After

2.22.99

2005-02-17T13:07:00.000-07:00

Today, I am drowning.

Same as last week. Same as next week. This time of year, this month, is always hard...

...and the mantra plays within my broken mind: repeats within my tattered heart: We choose how we react to what we feel. We choose how we react. We choose....we choose...

....right now I cant see to choose. The emotions come. Like a dark night, creeping around and reminding me of truths that though I face every day, I choose not to look at. Paint it pretty, be strong, give it up and let go. Cant change it, must accept it, Its ok. Its ok. choose to be happy, look at the light...chooose...choose...

...and Im drowning today. I have to choose to react this way. Just for a time, I can allow it. Its burried deep but it doesnt mean it isnt still alive in there, festering. Dig it up, expose it. Analyze and scream and cry. Maybe then the healing will come.

This all will pass and Ill make peace again.

2005-02-15T16:02:00.000-07:00

For those of you that dont veiw my other blog or my dev art account, here is a pic of the spunky child spoken about in the following post. Taken with the new camera talked about a few posts before that lol. For you Michael, here is at least one new pic on here with the new camera as you had wanted to see. :)

The Sweetest Thing

2005-02-15T15:18:00.000-07:00

He was supposed to be getting ready for bed. Fresh out of the shower, I had laid out clean pajamas for him on his bed. He needed to be getting into them. It was pushing 8:30. He was taking his time. Over and over I had to prod him to get moving faster, and to question why every night it was the same.

Dried off, he walked to his room, stopping by the office door where I sat to pause and blow a kiss. "I love you" he crooned in a silly voice.

"I love you too" I reply, a little curtly. "Now, get ready for bed!"

He scampered off in a hurry. Finally, I think to myself. Maybe he will get done on time. But soon, I hear giggles and funny noises coming from his room. I call for him and he runs around the corner, clad in but his underware. No pajamas. Again he is yelled at to get his pajamas on and get ready for bed, this time with threats of being grounded from things tomorow for twinky dinking today.

Its 8:30 now. On the nose. Bedtime. Jammies are on. (Yay) But teeth aren't brushed. (Boo) I sigh and turn up the mp3 player and give a pleading look over my shoulder to my husband to please help expedite this situation somehow. He grunts, doesnt move from his spot in front of the computer and hollars out to the boy to hurry up. Not much more than what I have been doing, really. And we can all see how effective this has been.

Hearing his father call his name, he races out of the bathroom and into the office, toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. Toothpaste on his chin. Glasses lopsided. Grinning and dancing in the corner when he hears the music. "Are you done brushing your teeth? Why arent you in bed?" his father bellows. He just grins and keeps dancing, sillier now. I have to admit, despite being angry with him at not getting into bed on time, I am cracking a smile. I laugh and tell him to please hurry it up. Its now past 8:30.

8:37 I go into the bathroom. He has been in there, finished with his teeth, but dancing to the music in front of the mirror. Exasperated I turn off the light and say "I am tucking you in. Now. Lets go." Still he dances, giggling. "NOW TYLER" his dad booms from behid me. "Listen to your mother."

He comes over and wraps his little arms around my neck and places a warm, wet kiss on my cheek. "Why do you have to be so difficult?" I ask and find myself pushing him off of me instead of hugging or kissing him goodnight back, so upset with the situation. He looks at me, sober now. And in a quiet, squeeky nervous voice he says...

"I just wanted to make you smile and put a laugh in your heart. It worked for a little bit, but then you got sad again. If I could put the laugh in your heart every minute of everyday, I would."

I sat there, unmoving and speechless as he walked off to bed and climbed in, waiting for us to tuck him in and listen to him say his prayers. K came up behind me and lay a hand on my shoulder. His eyes looked almost as misty as mine felt.

This would explain the nightime crazy antics. Not just a ploy to stay up later....though I am still certain it is part of it, he is my child afterall, and I too always tried to delay the inevitable. But I have been down lately. As my health plumets or struggles, so do my moods. I thought I had been hiding things from him a little better than that, pushing through for the sake of the kid. Funny how they see things as they are despite it all. And funny how a fight for bedtime, and our frustration...with just a simple spoken truth full of good intent and love...makes the battle seem not so important anymore.

Course, he still has to go to bed at 8:30 again tonight...;)

Ready Spaghetti

2005-02-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

"I dont much like to cook, but I sure do like to eat!" (so sayeth my waistline!)

My son got this really neat childs cook book for Christmas. He loves to spend time helping in the kitchen. Twice now, he has helped his dad make 'Ready Spaghetti' for dinner, and quite honestly, I am so hooked that I dont know if I will ever serve it up in this house another way! Something so simple really, something I didnt realize one could do with the noodles. They cook the noodles in the sauce rather than in water separate. The flavor of the noodles is so much more intense. And while I do generally like a thick, gooey, messy sauce on top of my spaghetti, this one isnt like that. and amazingly, I dont miss the thick gooey mess! It tastes just fine and is so satisfying. We had this for dinner again last night, paired if off with a spinach salad and bottle of merlot wine. yum yum yum! Here is the recipie, simple enough for a child to do by themselves if old enough to opperate the stove, or with supervision and help if a bit younger like my 8 year old. Tastey enough to be enjoied by all! :)

Ingredients: 1 lb ground beef
3 1/2 C. water
1 can (15oz) tomaato sauce
1 package (16oz) spaghetti noodles
1 C. parmesan cheese
2 shakes of pepper
1 tablespoon minced dried onion
4 shakes of salt
1 teaspoon dried, crushed oregano
1 teaspoon Worchestershire sauce (we omit this by the way, T is allergic to the carmel coloring and we have yet to find one in the store that would be safe for him to have.)
1/2 teaspoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon dried, crushed basil
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder

COOKING:

1. Break up the ground beef into the saucepan and put it on the stove, medium heat.

2. Stir the meat with a big spoon and watch it like a hawk (or it'll burn.) Its done when the pink color is gone.Take it off the stove and (since this is the messy, dangerous part), call your grown-up assistant over to spoon off the fat into an empty tin can or milk carton.

3. Make sure the burner is off, then put the meat back on. Add the water, tomato sauce, dried onion, salt, oregano, Worchestershire sauce, sugar, basil, garlic powder and pepper. (If you dont have one or two of these spices, dont worry, it will still taste fine.)

4. Turn the burner back on to high and stir everything with your big spoon until it comes to a boil. then break the spaghetti noodles up into small pieces and put them into the same pan with everything else.

5. Put the heat on low, cover with the lid, and stir every couple of minutes. In about 20 minutes, the noodles should be done. You can check by fishing one out, blowing on it to cool it, then tasting.

6. turn the heat off and serve. sprinkle on the cheese to taste.

Book excerpt copied from: Kids Cooking: A very slightly Messy Manual
by the editors of Klutz

NothingToWriteItis

2005-02-04T16:54:00.000-07:00

Seems I am actually not the only one to suffer from this, as I read in a friend of mines blog much the same thing. It is prolly why I neglect the blog here has much as I do. I come, I sit, I stare. I do nothing more than that. I fiddle with the mouse. I stare at the wall. I glance at the clock. I smile at the pretty layout C made for me. I eventually give up and browse others' blogs. Those that dont have nothingtowriteitis. Those that can break past that daunting blank white page.

Once away from the computer though, oh the ideas I have. Oh I should write about this! or OH what an interesting concept, must post!! OH what a neat thing T did today at school or OH what a fun ancedote shared to me by K or a friend. Ideas race and ramble in my mind, forming up wonderful ideas and quirky phrases yet when I finally GET to the puter to jot them all down, anxously, excitedly....they are gone. I try to grasp at them but they have withered and faded and are but ghosts of the thoughts they once were. Looking upon them, I see this...what is left of them. And so instead of writing some funny, interesting, insiteful message to others --or myself for that matter....I come, I sit I stare. I do nothing.I fiddle with the mouse...well you get the picture.

So I wonder, even though I know of others who face this same delema....is it just me? Or something IN me that is preventing this somehow. I dont really have a problem uploading things to my Inner Muse blog. http://inner-muse.blogspot.com/ Or my Deviant Art account http://moosecall.deviantart.com/ hmmmmm. They are different beasts though. Art, poetry, prose. Still ways that bare the soul, let folks peek through my windows so to speak. One would think that would be more difficult to share, no? I certainly would. Yet there is a sort of comfort I think hiding behind those flowery words or painted canvas or camera lense. It shows -me- but the image is distorted. It shows parts of me but not the whole all at once. It shows a fleeting thought, not a compliled bunch of thoughts spilled out upon a page in many paragraphs. Its me, but through rose colored glasses. Yes, even the sorrows. Art, though it can be sad, is still pretty. Here, sad is just...well...SAD.

Interesting self revelation here just had. Feeling bare now, at the thought of it. Feeling bare not just having had it, but having posted it out here. Somehow the everyday diary makes me feel more naked. Will knowing this now cure my Nothingtowriteitis? ~laughs~ prolly not!

Think its time to go write a poem now...

Bullies

2005-02-03T20:18:00.000-07:00

We all remember having experiences with them as kids. Perhaps there are some who were so lucky as to never encounter a bully during their childhood or teen years. But I do think for many of us, we have probobly experienced at least one. I know I have had a few....

I always hoped (as many parents do) that my son would be one of the lucky ones. One of the lucky few that might be able to somehow bypass any kind of bullydom in school. He is a very lighthearted child, very loving. He likes everyone and almost everyone likes him. It is just the kind of person he is.

However, home from school he came yesterday, his eyes brimming over with tears as he told me his tale. It was lunchtime. He had placed his lunchbox at his seat of choice, taken out his milk, sandwhich, yougart and chips. While waiting for his best friend to come from another class to join him, he got up to get a napkin. He left his lunch at his seat, unattended for all of a minute or two. When he returned to his seat, everything was gone except for his milk and sandwhich. He looked around to see if anyone was eating his food. He didnt see anyone with it. Nor did he see anyone take it. Chances are, they grabbed it all and put it in the trash as a joke or stuffed it all in their pockets maybe for later. I really dont know. He talked to the lunchroom attendant and I dont think he got much response. After eating his sandwhich and drinking his milk, he was still hungry and by this time, in tears. My husband called later in the afternoon to say that he had gotten a phone call from the school nurse, who had T in her office. She relayed the basics of the story as best she knew and asked if he could eat salteens. (he has food allergies, they always have to check...)

He was beside himself and couldnt believe anyone would be so mean to take his food. I have to agree with him. Its disenheartening really. We send him with his lunches, he is on a special diet. He cant just eat the school cafeterial food. Kids really can be cruel. I have forgotten how they can sometimes be. I shake my head and sigh and offer the best advice I can and hold him tight.

I also remember to pack a napkin in his lunchbox.

The inevitable hits

2005-01-26T14:21:00.000-07:00

Hours spent awake in a day: 5 (all i wanna do is sleep) Weight lost from lack of appetite/sleep all day: 20 (i wish!!!! but maybe 1-2 :P a good thing. must see good things in this) Days lost from school this week. Again.: 2 (missed last week too when T and K home sick. they are going to think I fell off the face of the earth.) Boxes of tissues consumed: some black hole infinate number. Calls to Dr. concerning this?: 0 (will do so tomorrow) books read in time awake:2.5 (YAY! I dont usually always have a ton of time to read. Been nice to be able to do so, when can stay awake and concentrate.)Movies watched: 4 With K even:3 (woo hoo. been nice, him spending time with me and not just on the computer. He must realize how uggy I feel. Much love for this man, who is trying to baby me even when I know he is still sick with this thing too.)

While T, the little bugger who brought this bug into the house, bounces back with the greatest of ease after two days, leaves his father and I gasping and coughing in the wake. So glad T is like a rubber ball and bounces back from these things so easy. Wish I had that ease about me. Thinking on it, not sure I even did as a child either! He is blessed. I am a tad worried though. Im getting the odd elephant on the chest sensation. Have a 'rattle' and extreme weakness in my arms. Dizzy and nausia....the nausia, and chest stuff have me concerned. My fever has been peaking....I think and count on my fingers and say to myself my pneumonia shot is still good, right? Last five years....but then I think, when did I get it done last? My injury will be 6 years next month. I had to get the shot after rehab. right? I honetstly dont remember. Hoping against hope this is just a very very very bad chest cold and not mutating into other things. K still has his and said that he felt like this a few days ago. The limbs hurting, tired and weak, cant catch breath sort of thing. tired by the tiniest things.

well im not much of a whiner, but wanted to let all of you know who see me on here or IM or dev art regularly where I have been since Friday. I had hoped I could be upright in my chair today. -laughs manically- think i climbed up out of my perma horizontal position a tad too soon. dang it. going stir crazy but must go pass out again now. feel bad for T. i barely can focus on his school stories let alone help him with his homework. he fends for himself making his lunch for school the next day. Glad he has such a passionate love for pb and honey sandwhiches. Writing this has wore me out. Feeling numb. K home soon with T. Will lay down and sleep again then. Hope to be back to normal soon, God willing. ~smiles

Praises

2005-01-19T14:50:00.000-07:00

Back in another lifetime I used to sing. Yes, me. Sing. And not tooooo badly offkey. I sang with a wonderful group called Harambe, we sang black gospel music and it was wonderful. I never could travel with the group when they sang at churches out of town, I worked and it kept me too busy.

While sorting and sifting and going through clutter in the office and organizing my writing stuff, I stumbled upon things I had forgotten about. Some songs I had written for Harambe to perform. We did do one of them. ~smiles. Thought I might just post these songs, my praises for today for my Lord, my God, the savior of my days. A savior from myself.

"JESUS JOY" (this is the one they all liked well enough to do. btw, I sing alto. ~smiles. call me cheesy but I am going to write this up as it would be sung, with syllable separation and stresses. Imagine a choir, half black, half white, with some amazing voices. Not mine but the others ~laugh~ Sang all in traditional black gospel style. Dancing and talking amongst the songs, its not uncommon for members to feel touched by God, moved by the music, and to yell out hallelujah or praise him or SING! not to mention to see the members in the church audience get up and clap along and sing and dance. In fact, if they remained in their seats during a performance, you KNEW you were doing a bad job!) LOL

ALL: Jesus my strength
Jesus my Jo-oy
Jesus my life
E-turn-ally

OH

Jesus my love
Jesus my Li-ife
Jesus my joy
A-bun-dant-ly

**Reprise**
Sapranos: Jeeee-sus Joy (hold note)

Tenors:(overlapping the prior saprano line) Life
Peace
Strength

Altos: Jeeeesus Joy (hold note)

Basses: (overlapping prior alto line) Love
Peace
Life

Sapranos: Sal-va-a-tion

Altos, tenors, bass: Cre-a-tion

Reprise repeat 2X

ALL: Jesus my peace
Jesus my li-ight
Jesus my love
A-bun-dant-ly

Jesus sal-va-tion
Jesus cre-a-a-tion
Jesus my life
E-tern-a-ly

*Reprise 1x*

All (sharp stoccato): Jesus my joy
Worthy to praise!

LOL ok so maybe only I can really hear it all sung in my head and my attempt at writing it out as such isnt so hot, but maybe if you have a good stretch of the imagination, you too can hear it. If not in your head, at least in your heart. (bah! ok after posting, I see blogger didnt like the "layout" so things on the page arent quite right for this first song, but the sickies are waking and I havent the time to fix it. So bear with me!)
*********************************************************

Holy Lord

Jesus is my staff
My strength from day to day
Without him I would stumble
Would surely loose my way
He fills my world
With hope and praise
Abundant peace and joy
So I lift my eyes to heaven
and sing oh

**CHORUS**

Holy Holy Holy Lord
God so pure and true
Holy Holy Holy Lord
I pledge my life to you

Holy Holy Holy Lord
Hear my heartfelt cry
Holy Holy Holy Lord
King on uptmost high

**Repeat chorus**

Angels tremble in your presence
All bow down before the king
So majestic--rock of ages
Lift my hands
Oh hear me sing

**Chorus 2x**

You've delivered me from evil
Replaced darkness with your light
Stood beside me
When I faultered
Helped change my wrongs
Into right
Lord so worthy of our praises
Lord so glorious and true
I will lift my heart to heaven
And sing praises unto you

**Chorus 2X**

*************************************************
and last but not least (not a song but a poem but it fits in and I felt the need to include it with the songs from the Harambe days...)

Father, Thank-you

Father, thank-you
For your guidance
Father, thank-you
for your love
For I know I would be
Nothing without your
Help from above.
Father, thank-you
For your message,
It is one I need to hear
I often stop and wonder
Why you tink of me
So dear.
Father, thank-you
for your patience
And for light
On cloudy days
For deliverance from evil
And from wicked, hateful ways.
Father, thank-you so
For holding me
Through dark and stormy nights
For giving second chances
To change wrongness into rights.

I pray I do not fail you,
It is you I aim to please

Father, thank-you
Hear my praises
In my heart, Im on my knees
Singing glory to the heavens
Hallelujiah prince of angels
Hallelujiah King of Kings.

************
OH by the way, in case you were curious. "Harambe" is a swahili word that means "working together in unity."

My two boys

2005-01-19T13:31:00.000-07:00

Not one, but two are home sick today.
Not one but two are whining and moping around the house.
Not one but two are vying for my attention and love to take the yuk away.
Not one but two really just need to go take a nap!
Not one but two are infecting the house with their crud....

And me armed with nothing but a can of lysol and hand gell disenfectent, yet wishing I had a gas mask. I know this crud is soon to hit me. But its ok. Ill scurry along after them and baby and mother these two sick boys, wishing that just my love and attention could take all of their yuk away.

Thank God for ordinary, average days!

2005-01-17T16:49:00.000-07:00

My good friend fish is right. Ordinary, average lives are a blessing. Do I really WANT a life filled with drama and chaos? Noooooo! I really don't! ;) Today was an ordinary, average day. And guess what? Its been great!

T had the day off of school. I had been begging K for help with either cleaning our bathroom, or setting things up for me so I could just do it myself. I had half given up, tired of nagging and thinking of checking our finances once again to see if there is ANY way we could slip in maid service....when I woke up this morning and he says "Your coffee is in the bathroom" and he winked and left the room. Hmmmm. He only really grabs me a cup of coffee as a goodmorning surprise on the weekends. He is usually out the door to work, with no coffee for himself and no time to make a pot even during the work week. Looking around I notice that he has cleared everything out of the bathroom, and put in all the cleaning supplies that we store in the laundry room that I cant get to in my chair. :) Granted, he hides them in there to prevent me from cleaning overkill. My shoulders cant take the stress of an all day house cleaning episode. Though I ignore that and do stuff anyway, I do pay for it. Every single time. But still you know....I just cant stand the house so dirty. and its all it ever is anymore. but I digress.

T even came into the room to help. Funny that an 8 year old boy actually LIKES to help clean house! "here can -I- do this? Can -I- do that? ooooOOooo I want to clean that!" hrmm OK! lol. He did do quite a bit and is finally starting to get to an age where his help doesnt mean more work for us parents lol.

From there we took a break. Im still a bit sore from it all but hey, it had to be done. And I am glad that I was the one to do it, and not leaving it for K. I wont be telling him how I ache though. Just gonna slip the small excederine bottle in my pocket and take em as needed and rest when he gets home. I may leave dinner for him to do....

T may have not had school today, but he did do school work. Ts reading teacher requires book reports. But they arent your normal book reports. He calls them 'book talks.' Your imagination is the limit as to what you want to do to show your book. Anything from a mobile, to a 3D panorama in a box, to dressing up as a character from your book for class and acting out a scene. T chose to make a poster. On it he did a sort of timeline. He did the talk on a magic treehouse book. He had his ideas all mapped out in his head and i helped him jot them quickly down on paper before I let him go at the posterboard with the markers. I divided up the sheet for him in grids, measured it all out to see if things would fit, and let him have at it. It reminded me of times working with my mom on science fair projects. Her with her great art ability. Me with my stick figure creation ability. And her helping me to get things started and her sketching out what I couldnt draw. I sat with him, sketching out in pencil his pictures; making lines for him to write his words. He then colored out the sequence pics (nine of them!) to the story; writting a small narritive under each. Time consuming process, he wrote it all out in pencil first to avoid mistakes and then traced over in black marker. The marker smudged some so in frustration he did ask for help with that part as well. THREE hours he labored. Its still not done. The nine pictures are done. The narritive for them is done. but a quarter of the page he wanted reserved for a section called "Jacks Notebook" and "Other Facts" The magic treehouse books are neat in the fact that Mary Pope Osborn melds fact and fiction. I wouldnt exactly call her books historical fiction, though I do suppose they could sort of be classified that. She does though always have a sprinkling of truth. Sections where the children, Jack and Annie, read in the book that magically transported them through time and space to whereever they are facts about the area. Jack too is always busy jotting down facts along their journey. Those often differ from the facts they read in their books. So he wanted to include that along with the story plot, cuz as he put it "Mom, its like they are two books really. I -HAVE- to get both of them in there!" :)

So we are taking a break. He is playing on a computer game behind me, rambling and babbling incessently about what he is doing. (I dont know where he gets that from. Honest, I dont! -whistles innocently) And I am getting caught up on blog browsing. :) Well and writing too..:P lol Maybe we will finish the rest of the writing and recording of the facts tonight. Dunno. Its 5pm now and Im feeling kinda tired. K is due home from work soon, and we will have to do dinner and talk about our days. T to show off his poster, I am sure. Maybe watch a movie this evening or hunker down in the recliner with a good book. Maybe both! Yes, its a good day. Thank God for these ordinary, average days. I am feeling rather content and happy. Accomplished and pleased. Proud of my kid. Im beaming. Even though Im hurting, Im still beaming. ~smiles

IT CAME!

2005-01-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

It is here, our new digital camera! I had ordered it last Thursday, chosen ground 7-10 business day shipping, and yet it is here, expedited. And no, we werent charged extra. I had recieved an email from them last Friday wanting a phone call. They wanted to verify our billing address for some reason. It held the camera up and it didnt get shipped until Monday. Maybe they felt that I deserved to have it shipped faster at their expense then? I really dont know. I wasnt expecting it to get here until next week!

To say I am excited would be an understatement. I cant wait to start playing with it, and I want to do so now...but I have been procrastinating doing writing homework for over a week now. The double assignments are due the end of this month. I have always tended to get things done and sent off a bit early. So while I could very easily let myself slip away with the camera and the manual and my eager shutter trigger finger, I really need to try and spit out a rough draft at least. Shoot, I can drivel out 500 words in the post preceding this one, I can do the same twice over for this homework.

Ok, enough procrastination for today.

Neglect and pushing through to other pastures

2005-01-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

Its been a month since my last entry. I come to gaze on this page though. To stare at its velvety richness and hit the links to everyone elses pages from it. I keep thinking that I need to write, that I should contribute something here; these lovely pages are meant to be filled. Yet I dont. I move on and create art or write a poem. And its not that I havent the thoughts or the words to put down here, I feel maybe I have pigeon holed myself with the original 'intent' of this blog.

Life is life. Everyone has cycles. We face the good, the bad and the ugly sometimes all in the seemingly same moment. Ive chosen to only focus on the good in here. Now that isnt a bad thing, but then it is keeping me from posting. To feel that I should only write positives...well I tend to take the little treasures I am given, the little every day things, and just keep them burried near my heart rather than write about it. To feel it and absorb it so fully in that fleeting moment. Journaling is more cathartic to me, a way to vent and a way to cry. I am preventing myself that venting if I ONLY focus on the positive in here.

So maybe this blog should all be entitled ordinary average moose :P For that is all that my being really is. I lead an ordinary, average life, with an ordinary average husband, an ordinary average kid, and an ordinary average dog. Our lives are filled with great joys. Joys that are great to us but to others may seem miniscule. Our lives are also, filled with the everyday, ordinary, average problems. Sometimes our days trod along, uneventful. Ordinary, average, everyday.

Ok so I am not going to change the title of my blog but I think I need, for me, to change the contents within. This moose may need to cry out more than just in triumphant joy. This moose is curious and has daily, odd musings about the world. About herself and those around her. I stopped musing. Aloud anyway. This moose is an emotional rollercoaster moose. I -need- to be writing about the downs as well as the ups. I thought about making another blog and leaving this one for its intended purpose. But then I look at what C did for me and how absolutely georgous this blog really is, and the creature within who likes pretty things cried out and said NO! For I know I would eventually abandon these pages, or rather it would be as it has been. Only a random moose sighting. I would say I appologise to those who were looking for the uplifting posts that never came as often as they should have. Or to appologise for the mix of posts to come...for this will now be the good, the bad, the ugly....and the everyday ordinary...but then I think to myself why? We all blog for ourselves dont we? At least that is what this SHOULD be for. Its a journal. A diary. A place to record all of life. This really then should be called Moose's Journey or wanderings maybe. But we shall leave it as Moose Call just the same. Just realize that moose have a different voice than just their bellow. Their calls are varried, if they really cry out at all. Sometimes they just sit and chew and watch, recording in their minds the world around them, on any ordinary, average day.

So, here comes then, the ordinary, average blog. More posts to come. Hopefully.

Funny how I had to give myself permission to do this eh? -laughs-

Christmas Blues

2004-12-15T13:41:00.000-07:00

Or otherwise entitled, Jingle Hell.

Ok, so even a happy go lucky moose can feel a little blue now and then, can't they? ;) All right, I am going to go out on a limb here and say something that I am sure many of you will just not like or even gasp at. I hate Christmas. There. I said it. It's out there.

Maybe I should rephrase and clarify things a little bit. It isn't Christmas itself I hate. Its the comercialism. It stresses me out. Really, it does. Year after year after year and it only seems to get worse, not better, and try as I might year after year after year, I try to be happy about it. To try and choose to feel some sort of joy but there are things year after year after year that seem to get in the way, or happen.

I do love the fact that people tend to think or dwell more on Jesus this time of year. The awe in my sons face when we talk about the birth of Christ fills my heart with joy. Hearing him speak then of God and Jesus randomly as things cross his mind, brings a smile to my face. To remember to look upon Christ in the same way my son does, with joy and amazement and curiosity fills my own soul with warmpth. That is all wonderful, and fun and good. As are the Christmas wishes that pour in through the mail from family and friends. I enjoy the cards and the letters. Sometimes it is only this one time of year that I even really hear from some people. And as always, its good to know they are doing well, and that despite it all, we remain in their thoughts.

I do enjoy the decorations, the way it spruses up the house and again, the pleasure it brings my boy. That is all fine and dandy. But the gifts? Ohhhhh the gifts. I really wish we could abolish the need for getting. I wish that both of our familes would just let us buy for the kids and not one another. K and I both feel that we dont need anything ourselves. To just spend money on the children, to make it special for them, would be well enough and fine by us. And would still cost a pretty penny, as we would have 5 to shop for. But no. Neither side of our families will relenquish that, and so we feel we have to continue to purchase for all, even when our budget really doesnt allow for it. Its not that I dont like making them happy with the things that I could buy or make (which still costs money, mind you.) I wish that we could win the lotto, so that all of this just wouldnt be an issue. But here we sit, behind on bills and with a heater that has gone out in one part of the house, and now we have to factor in gift money? I really do despise this time of year. We were getting close to pulling ahead on things. K got a nice Christmas bonus. But then the heater went out. And now we have Christmas. There will be no breaking ahead on things, once again, thanks to that glorious month of December.

There is more to the story than this, but I won't bother to go on, I have said enough already. Not to mention, this vent really isnt making me feel any better. :P I am just feeling all black and grinchy inside while the world around me is all green and red, smells like pine, tastes like peppermint and is festive. Bah humbug!

God Speaks (long, fair warning)

2004-11-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

Or at least that is what I would liken this to be. K and I had just watched the movie 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'and were lying in bed talking about our earliest memories of one another, traipsing back memory lane, reliving the past 11 years. It was getting rather late, and K mumbles something about needing sleep and then he is snoring. I always wish I could sleep like that. Just say ok, I'm sleepy and WHAM, I am there. But for me, that is a no go. My mind is always wired when I hop into bed. It seldom shuts up, much like my mouth. If I am not talking incessantly to someone else, my mind is talking to incessantly to me. Not to mention after starting this conversation with K, I was feeling re-charged. Got my second wind back so to speak. Was gleefully happy; all warm and fuzzy. Never mind that it was now after 2am and the end of a wonderful 4 day holiday weekend. Monday was not going to wait for me to quiet myself and fall asleep.

So there I lay, reminiscing, my hand on Ks chest, feeling it rise and fall rhythmically, his breathing deep and heavy. My mind spinning off in different tangents and directions and as I am going over things, I am softly and silently in the background giving my thanks to God for all these instances in my life, for all these things I am remembering, both good and not so good and its gathering a rhythm all its own and becoming sort of prayer like. In this peaceful state, I think I am starting to drift.

But thats just it. Was I asleep? I could hear K beside me, snoring now. Quite loudly I might add. I remember at one point contemplating asking him to roll to his tummy but I couldn't move to gently nudge him in that direction. I thought I was having a dream. But I am unsure if I was, I think somehow I was in that odd state between awake and asleep. Aware of all the outside goings on and yet this image, this vision. Well it wasn't from my old memories....

I was in a church, preparing to renew my wedding vows to K. Peeking down the isle, I could see our families. My parents seated in the front row on the left. Ks on the right. The pews filled with our friends we have collected over the years, many many family members. T stood beside me to 'give me away.' I -WALKED- down the isle. I had a walker, and T was next to me, in a steadying fashion. He was older. I am guessing about 12 or 13. When we got up to the front where K was, there was a tall stool waiting for me that put me up at about standing height. Well what standing height for little me would be. K didn't have to crouch. T remained up there with us, and it became almost a family fusing, the three of us. Then things flashed forward, and we were at the reception, the three of us sitting at the head table. I am back in my wheelchair, but it isn't because I need it to walk. Its for endurance I am guessing. I stand, and give a toast with my champagne glass raised. Thanking K and T for everything along this journey we have shared since my accident. And now we are on the other side of that tunnel, we have crawled through. Still together and ever stronger for it. Thanks to God and my boys....

K stirred in bed and my legs jumped. Well leg. The right one that has been giving me strange fits lately. And I realize I wasn't asleep. Only mere minutes have passed since that dream or vision or whatever one wants to call it has flitted through my mind. It rolled like a movie and I was but the observer. I lay there, my mind silent and all I can do is breath a thank you.

I don't know if this will truly be another memory that I can come to treasure along with all the others. But he showed it to me just the same, did he not? If I sit still and quiet long enough I can almost feel him nodding as I ask that question. This time, I do drift off to sleep. I get up this morning, and check email. This is the first thing I open.
*************************************************

November 29, 2004
Umbilical Cord Stem Cell Therapy Successful: paralyzed Patient Walks After 19 Years
Health
Science
Korean researchers, using stem cells isolated from umbilical cord blood, succeeded in reversing the paralysis of the lower limbs caused by spinal cord injury, of a 37-year-old female patient. The feat was announced at a press conference last week and reported in the Korea Times.
The link was forwarded by Paul Taylor, who also had a comment on the ethical implications of stem cell therapy:
"Whilst stem cell therapy naturally instigates passionately paralized views when the cells are harvested from embryos, it is notable that stem cells derived from umbilical cords do not receive anything like the same attention in the media at present.
Given that umbilical cords are generally discarded after the birth of a baby, and that cells derived from these do not present the same ethical dilemmas as those from embryos, I was particularly interested to read recently that researchers in Korea have successfully treated a case of paralysis due to spinal injury with stem cell transplantation from umbilical cord blood.
The 37 year-old patient, who could not even stand up for the last 19 years due to a spinal injury, received stem cells from umbilical cord blood in early October and can now walk with the aid of a walker."
It would indeed be great if the use of umbilical cord banks, such as in Korea, could help avoid the deeply divisive ethical implications of the use of embryos as the source of stem cells and could make therapeutic advances of this type accessible on a large scale.
Here is a copy of the article in the Korea Times:
.
Korean Scientists Succeed in Stem Cell Therapy
(See original here)
By Kim Tae-gyuStaff Reporter
A team of Korean researchers claimed Thursday they had performed a miracle by enabling a patient, who could not even stand up for the last 19 years, to walk with stem cell therapy.
During a press conference, the scientists said they had last month transplanted multi-potent stem cells from umbilical cord blood to the 37-year-old female patient suffering from a spinal cord injury and she can now walk on her own.
The team was co-headed by chosen University professor Song Chang-hun, Seoul National University professor Kang Kyung-sun and Han Hoon, Ph.D, from the Seoul Cord Blood Bank (SCB).
"The stem cell transplantation was performed on Oct. 12 this year and in just three weeks she started to walk with the help of a walker," Song said.
The patients lower limbs were paralyzed after an accident in 1985 damaged her lower back and hips. Afterward she spent her life in bed or in a wheelchair.
For the unprecedented clinical test, the scientists isolated stem cells from umbilical cord blood and then injected them into the damaged part of the spinal cord.
The sensory and motor nerves of the patient started to improve 15 days after the operation and she could move her hips. After 25 days, her feet responded to stimulation.
Earlier in October 2003, Songs team also staged a clinical test with stem cells originating from umbilical cord blood by injecting them into another patients spine.
"Back then we injected stem cells into spinal fluid and failed to get a good result. This time around, we directly targeted the spine and the method made a difference," Song said.
Songs team look to further test efficiency of the new therapy with four more patients as soon as they get the green light from Chosun University ethics board and the government.
Songs team plan to report their research to the scientific world within the first half of next year.
Immeasurable Upside Potential
Professor Kang and Han, Songs colleagues who co-led the research, noted the new therapy has a huge upside potential when applied to real treatments, without arousing ethical disputes.
Seoul National University professor Hwang Woo-suk surprised the world last February by announcing his groundbreaking exploit of cloning a human embryo and taking stem cells from it.
The technology is expected to lead to breakthrough treatments for many hard-to-cure diseases, for instance, by creating replacement organs and tissues.
At the same time, however, the feat also fueled an ethical debate that spans science, politics and religion, especially regarding the possibility of reproductive human cloning.
In comparison, Kang said stem cells originating from the blood of umbilical cords would not raise such problems since that blood is routinely discarded after the birth of a baby.
"There have been many controversial debates on embryonic stem cells and also such stem cells are not practical due to their property of possibly causing teratoma (cancer of cells)," he explained.
Kang added that since cord blood stem cells are later than embryonic stem cells, they have little chance of causing the fatal teratoma.
"Embryonic stem cells are omni-potent in that they can divide into any thing even including a tumor cell. But cord blood stem cells are developed enough not to cause such troubles while retaining as powerful a differentiation capacity at the same time," he claimed.
Another upside of cord blood stem cells is that they can adapt to the injected bodies without triggering a big negative inner reaction, which are common in other transplantations, according to Han, Ph.D, of the SCB.
"We dont need a strict match between cord blood stem cell type and the immune system of a patient because the latter accepts the former pretty well thanks to its immaturity," Han said.
In other transplantation operations, just a slight mismatch based on the human leukocyte antigen test would cause a catastrophic result due to immune systems resistance.
The SCB currently retains blood from about 45,000 umbilical cords and they are enough to cover all Koreans, amply demonstrating the immeasurable potential of the new therapy.
voc200@koreatimes.co.kr

********************************************************
This has been the most promising thing I have read in a while. This gal was not some newly injured, 2 weeks post individual. She was a long term, old and crusty SCI sufferer of NINETEEN YEARS!!! And she not only got back sensation but she WALKS!! This is huge. This stuff just doesn't happen. Not to long timers. They have been coming up with things to help those newly injured, within a rough 2 week time slot after injury. Its not always an end all cure all either. Not all receive full return of sensation and mobility on those early on trials. Some yes, but not all. They have not, however, had anything to address long term SCI. There hasn't been anything yet that has been able to cure someone who has been chair confined for longer than 2 weeks, let alone years. Oh the hope of this. The hope. Not to mention it bypasses all that nasty moralistic stuff that encircles stem cell research. No killing of babies for this. I figure roughly in my mind....If they really do share with the world the procedure within 6mo. After the first of the year, maybe just maybe the states will be doing these surjurys about 2-4 years after? Maybe? We are always so slow with this stuff. Well if not, I wonder what Korea is like as a vacation destination...

Prayers needed for friends and baby

2004-11-20T23:36:00.000-07:00

One of our very good friends that lives in Oxford, MS is expecting. Or rather, his wife is. Amy went into labor two months early, little Sydney wasnt due to come until January. They have moved her up to a hospital in Memphis because it is 'better.' This doesnt look or sound good. They are scared, we are scared. This is their first child. Please keep them in your prayers, Kevin, Amy and baby Sydney Howell. May God bless you and keep you and be with you in this time.

A lack of posting...

2004-11-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

....It's been kinda hard for me to post anything uplifting or to see the good in my days when lately I have been so grumpy! I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and it seems that I just flow from one bad illness or physical problem to another one here lately, without any healthy downtime. I guess a good thing to come out of all this is an increase in PSP play and writing --when I can think clearly. Have to do something to keep my mind busy and off of all that my body is going through. Had a great weekend in Colorado, visiting Aunt Betty and family. Wake up in the middle of the night last night, sick. Again. Some sort of flu or a drug interaction to something new I was trying out for my spasms. Which are flaring up in the most oddest of ways. ONe leg out of control bad, one leg hardly effected. Very strange. But it throws me off in the chair, Im constantly lopsided. The right legs spasms are THAT intense and strong. Its highly annoying. I am hoping its not a flu and that my body just didnt like the valerian concoction I took. I so want to get back to the school this week. Im to go tomorrow. I miss the kids and the teachers. And I do know that they are missing me too. If this is a flu and Im still ill tomorrow I may just scream. We are going on 4 weeks non stop now. I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere, find some sort of reprieve....

November 11th and other things

2004-11-11T13:08:00.000-07:00

Today would have been Ks grandpas 101st birthday. I know many of us are remembering this today and feeling melancholy. Me however, I cant help but to smile. I just know he is up there celebrating, happy as a lark and entertaining everyone. I know K will prolly be a bit out of it today, but wont talk about it much if at all. I wish he wouldnt hold things in so sometimes. He will come to me as he needs to though, and he knows I will be there for him despite his asking or not. I just know.

Speaking of November baby birthdays, my fathers is tomorrow. He will be 58 this year. Or is it 57? lol. Shoot, does that make me a bad daughter if I cant remember how old my parents are? He is maybe only 56. hmmm or is it 59? shoot I know they are in their 50s, and I know dad is 2 years older than mom. Age hasnt really any relevance to me though. Shoot, I hardly remember that I am 35 now. Some days I look and feel younger. Some I look and feel older. Age. Its all irrelevant, really. Just a way for us to try and keep track of time in a way that our minds can understand and comprehend. I am not always certain that we have it pegged right, either! ;)

In other news, my Aunt Betty headed out for her maiden voyage yesterday afternoon. In her 60s now, she has never before flown on a plane. She is flying to colorado to see my mom (her sister) and of course, all the rest of the family. K, T and I will be driving down for the weekend. Pray that the weather is good and we dont have snow so we can see her! She wants to have an early Thanksgiving with all of us. We all decided to do the cooking early and divvy it up between mom, my sister and I so that we arent spending one whole day in the kitchen, but rather enjoying one another instead. her time there is so limited, and K, T and I only there for the weekend, that it seemed better that way. Mom already cooked the turkey and has it re frozen I think. Ready to be re-heated the day of. She will make gravey the day of. and stuffing. and pecan pie and cobbler. All the desserts done up early. Alisa is making pumpkin pie (sans cloves cuz Tyler is allergic, yay) Fruit and veggie trays. She may be doing the stuffing too. hmmm not sure. I am gonna make up a batch of mashed taters on Friday, along with chocolate peanut butter bars and we are bringing down three bags of frozen asparagas to heat up the day of. Yum. Im hungry now just thinking about it.

Betty wants to have a fire with her Thanksgiving dinner cuz its well, colorado you know hehe. Living in California she hasnt had much use for a fireplace. Her home doesnt even have one. :) She also requested snow. lets hope she doesnt get that wish though or we wont be able to make the drive down! Betty also went and bought Christmas gifts for the kids that she wants them to open early since she wont be here in December. We will all be pitching in to do a little something something for her as well in return. She wont be expecting that at all. :) Fun fun!

Well that is the new news update here. I havent written in awhile. I recieved PSP9 for my birthday and have been having a blast with it. Shoot, I have been doing more 'art' than I have been writing. Now THAT says alot right there. With the help of a friend I have a Deviant art gallery again to showcase my silly stuff. Its been keeping me busy, but I have really been enjoying myself.

Well I should close out this post now, I have a lot of things to do and get done before this weekend. ~smiles~

THANK YOU L!!!!!

2004-11-01T17:24:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Liesy for making me this beautiful layout! :D I am beside myself and tickled pink! It is absolutely georgous. You have so much talent in the things that you do. Thank you for sharing your gifts with me. Im very proud to sport this new look; it is simply amazing!

Grandpa Oscar

2004-10-20T12:03:00.000-07:00

With eyes that see the century pass by. A crooked smile, a hearty yet lilting laugh. Sparkling eyes surrounded by crows feet. A sign of laughter in your heart that shines out in so many ways. A gentle touch, soft voice. Stories told and untold. To sit and while away the hours hearing of the changing of your world. My world. Our world. You always astounded and amazed me. I loved to just sit with you and listen. To watch you. Nearly 101 years God left you to us. Now you go home with the angels where you rightfully belong, for you were always an earthly one. My selfish heart cries out to you, wanting more of you here but I know. Yes, I know that you will do more for your family from the other side than you ever did here. And here, you did do so much. So idolized and looked up to. I hope that they all can see that though your gone it doesnt symbolize weakness. For God has a plan and in it, you are. Go grace the world with your touch, sweet Oscar. The heavens need you now. And we will sit by and love you. and remember. Your legacy lives on in our hearts. We love you.

Simpler Times Series Continues

2004-10-05T17:42:00.000-07:00

French Quarter House

Photo of a house in the quarter from our NOLA vacation. This is the original. I have continued on with the Simpler Times series in my muse blog. I enjoy posting the originals here though, for comparison.

Looking over the photographs and playing with them makes me miss being there so much! Cant wait til next summer. -smiles-

This is top notch, K--YOU CAN WRITE!

2004-10-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

These are the first words I see as I pull my homework manuscript from the envelope. Scrawled in his hand in black ink, the last three words underlined.

Having been going through a slump, I was as usual, begining to doubt myself. School has been going fine, mind you. I have been enjoying the course work, and had been getting good reviews. But thats it. Just good. I know this may sound bad, even vain, and I dont like to brag, but in all of the past creative writing courses I have taken in my lifetime, my work has been met with more enthusiasm than I was getting from him. The last course I took was in college at 19. 16 years ago. Could it be I am old and crusty now and that my talent is waning and only mediocre? Somthing I really couldnt bear to be or want to be. Call it crazy, but writing has always been what I thought of as my ONE true God given talent. If it doesnt shine or isnt just a little bit special and above the norm...well then what am I left with? My precise thoughts just days before the letter came was "My writing is too ordinary." "Maybe Im not cut out for childrens writing" "What was I thinking!" " I CANT WRITE!" Those last three words underlined greatly in my mind. You have nooo idea what it meant to me to see the exact oposit of that staring at me from that paper. I needed to hear it, as well as everything else he wrote in his personal letter to me. Here are some snippets of what he said. -smiles-

--D.O.A. is first-rate, a piece of description that carries so many charges.
--I can appreciate what you went through in writing this.
--Beautiful
--You are a good writer
--A fine bit for young readsers, it's not about death, its about courage and performance and a lot more in a character we want to know more about.
--Enough pontificating. You're doing excellent work and I hope you continue. I'd bet the farm on it, and I'm not supposed to be this effusive.
--Excellent! (underline)

He even showed the piece to his wife, who also liked it very much. Apparently she is also a CIL instructor. He prolly wasnt supposed to do that....share my work....but it shows me that he thought it was WORTH sharing. He feels that its the strong basis for a short story that could go different ways. To be either a non fiction article or a full on short story. He gave some advice on what to do to elongate the opening, asking questions that would prolly need to be adressed or answered to make it an even longer, stronger piece. So Ill be looking into that. I need to set up some sort of conflict. Either something inner within the protagonist, or between her and her father. Or maybe both. I want to be more clear about exactly WHERE they are. That day was supposed to be a family day up in the mountains, picnicking by that river and water, and then taking a hike...I had to trim alot of the finite detail to get the assignment around the 500 word mark. I can bring back in alot of pre stuff that I couldnt before. Hmmm Where did I put my notes, and ooo did I even keep them lol. Its all so embeded in my brain anyway it wont be so bad to flesh it all out again. All I have to do is relive the moment...

OH! If you want to read it, boggie over to inner-muse. Ive posted it there.

Poetry Archives and Good news

2004-10-04T18:01:00.000-07:00

Since I am pretty much phasing out the LJ, I want to drag the poetry that was mish mashed within all the blabber there and stick it over in the muse file. A nice, concice compilation of my cheese. :P Put in a few of the old snippets...more prosey random thought stuff than full on poems. Many of you will remeber them from LJ I am sure. These are mainly the ones I want to put digital art to for a coffee table book. Ill get around to it one of these days. Go look at the muse blog if your interested.

The title hints of good news. Well, I was going to post all about it today but didnt get around to it. I am still, however, on top of the world and can not stop grinning ear to ear when I sit back and think of things. I will hopefully have time to post everything up about it tomorrow, or at the least, later in the week.

Pleased and yet disapointed

2004-09-25T14:08:00.000-07:00

Having more fun yet again playing around with my vacation photos. Took me quite awhile to work on this one. I finally found the clone tool, burried deep within all these dockers. -sigh- They really dont make things user friendly sometimes lol.

Posting things here, using 'hello' auto resized things. Even the 'click to make larger' is smaller. It really makes a diff and shows more on the artistic versions I have in my muse blog. In the larger original of this photo, you can even read the street sign, and pan out to the sides more. But anyway, still having fun dinking around with things. They may not be all that great but considering I havent ever really done this before and am working with a program Im not too fond of and battle with more than smile at, I would say its not too shabby. Still have a long ways to go to really feel that things I do are worthwhile. At least Im trying to feel brave enough to post stuff here for all of your eyes to see. Ordinarily, I just wouldnt. Course I know none of you would laugh or judge and will tell me they look fine, even if its not true. :P Hence why I prolly feel comfortable enough. Having GOOD friends is a blessing, is it not? :)

Go and see artsy fartsy versions in the muse journal if you so desire. :)

2004-09-25T14:06:00.001-07:00

On the corner of Burbon and Urslines (Original)

2004-09-25T14:06:00.000-07:00

Prettying things up a little. :)

2004-09-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

Destrahan Plantation House. Pretty yard. Was as close to it as we could get, couldnt stop on the side of the road to get a head on photo of the house, nor see it. Quite inaccessible wheelchair wise. The folks inside would offer up the tours to all who entered the gift shop (a pretty neat gift shop) to all but us. Course Destrahan, from what I have read, is the oldest of the plantation houses and kept the most originally restored. That would mean I couldnt fit into any rooms off the main one, and of coruse, couldnt get upstairs. So maybe the cost of the tour compared to what I would see wouldnt have been so good and maybe why they said nothing. Course, we didnt ask either. We were getting hungry and tooled along the shope, looking at all the neat things they had. Then went outside and shot this photo before getting into the car and going to find food.

Digital Fun

2004-09-24T18:06:00.000-07:00

Been playing around a bit again with my crappy, limit filled digiart program. C,C and I had gone down into the quarter just us three one night, and I just HAD to get my photo taken with this guy. :) Course, now that I have the photos on hand on the computer....I just have to play around with them lol. Took out all the mondern stuff to make it look like a more deserted, older setting. no more cars, no streetsign--just the light, no grate on the building, no fire hydrant....then took it further and added some artistic fun. gave it a redish, bloodlike glow and added a slight vinette to give it a creepy, darkness encroaching kinda feel. Playing a bit further, I made it more of an abstract, warped thing that I put into my inner muse blog instead of here. Took me awhile to do all these, but I had fun. Im really enjoying it and looking forward to getting a better program. But in the meantime, what I have is better than nothing. :)

Oh and of course, as always with the photos on my blogs, they can be clicked on to see them larger.

2004-09-24T18:05:00.000-07:00

The original

2004-09-24T18:04:00.000-07:00

Took out the cars, the hydrant, the weird lump on the building. changed the street to the right to be more cobblestone.

2004-09-24T18:02:00.000-07:00

The third: red tint, vinette

Pictures

2004-09-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

Below are the long ago promised photos of our yard and the two repainted rooms in our house. K took them with one of those crappy disposables, and I didnt take the time to change or alter their washed out color at all so I know that the photos are crappy. No need to remind me of that lol. But they are up and posted. The rooms its just a shot of a part of them...the red in the photo isnt really true to the color on the wall. Its brighter, more plumby, definately red toned. Guest bedroom is pretty true to form, although the paint color looks different in there at different times of day or in different lighting. Sometimes is more purple, sometimes its more blue. I do love paint that does that. The guest bedroom has become my favorite room in the house. I just love the feel and look of everything in there. People who have come to stay since the remodel cant stop oohing and ahing. People that remember what the room was like BEFORE (sorry no before pics) are amazed...and cant stop oohing and ahing. So I think themission is accomplished there, to create a haven for our guests that feels calm and welcoming. Heck, its so good for that my mom didnt seem to want to come out of there her last visit. We ended up sitting on the bed and talking for hours rather than doing so in the living room. Maybe too much of a good thing isnt so good afterall? LOL

Oh, the photos can be clicked on to be veiwed at a larger size. Enjoy!

2004-09-17T15:27:00.000-07:00

Flower bed underneath our livingroom windows

2004-09-17T15:26:00.000-07:00

Flowers on the deck

2004-09-17T15:24:00.001-07:00

Flowers!

2004-09-17T15:24:00.000-07:00

Flowers on the deck

2004-09-17T15:22:00.000-07:00

Second flower bed flanking garage, and tomato plant. want more whisky barrels for more veggies next year. :)

2004-09-17T15:21:00.000-07:00

Flower bed along the garage

2004-09-17T15:19:00.000-07:00

Not the best photos of our yard. our vacation ment no watering of the grass and as you can see, it suffered.

2004-09-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

new office colors and design

2004-09-17T15:14:00.000-07:00

A snipped of the new, improved guest bedroom

Father, thank you

2004-09-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

Thank you, dad

-for storms less harsh than they could have been
-for protecting friends as dear if not moreso than family
-for your loving arms to be wrapped around the places that needed to feel the storms wrath
-for gentle understanding
-for my boys and their love
-for the talent you bestow within me
-for helping me to see my God given gifts, when I cant seem to
-for the sacrifice of your son
-for your neverending love
-for listening

I could go on and on and couldnt ever enough. Thank you. Such a small, slight set of words that doesnt give nearly enough credit but there isnt anything else equivilant or greater either. You are with us always and I am forever greatful. I love you.

Thank you.

Arm Wrestle

2004-09-01T16:49:00.000-07:00

"Lets arm wrestle!" He cried joyfully, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet barely able to contain himself.
"Are you sure? Im quite powerful!" the larger one replied
"Thats a joke, right?" he asked, giggling

And there they were, at the table littered with plates from a franticly eaten breakfast. Crumbs be damned, its arm wrestle time! Hands locked, eyes locked, hearts locked. They struggle back and forth, the big one actually making it hard on the little one, bringing it to the edge time and again only to let the little one exert his strength until his face reddened, his cheeks so flushed. Back and forth, the laughter, the giggles, the cat calls, the love. He let him win, eventually. In a way that made the little one think he actually did it all on his own. His large blue eyes beemed out from behind his smuged eyeglasses.

My boys at play.

Learning to love the quiet

2004-08-30T15:11:00.000-07:00

The boy went back to school today. Starts the second grade. He was estatic. I was not. I will learn to re-appreciate the quiet the house brings. To not feel as empty inside. I allow others to fill me up, rather than myself sometimes. I dont always preffer my own company. That will change as the school year moves on, and I get back to volunteering there some days myself. I do have a gift with those children, and prolly should have gone into teaching as a profession. No worries though. I have found it now, it gives me immense pleasure to effect these little lives. That is all that matters. Its in my life now, for whatever reason.

So kudos to me today for not crying or wallowing in the silence and allowing myself to be 'bored.' For turning to HIM when that started to settle in, and having actually a most woderous talk. Oh to just cradle up in his arms. I dont actually allow myself that very often. I must remember its ok to do that. That he wants me to. That he actually likes to talk to me. That I actually enjoy listening.

Yay to the puppy for going on four days without going potty in the house. Took her awhile, but she may have actually finally broken that habbit.

WTG T for a good start at school. He came home on good behavior, and didnt partake of the unsafe food treats offered him. He found satisfaction in the stickers the teacher offered him instead. So while the class feasted on suckers, he didnt fuss or complain. He realizes now what those off foods do to him. For an eight year old, thats a hard thing to turn down. I am so very proud of him. He earns a safe dessert for himself tonight.

Thanks, as always to K for just being there, just being you. For putting up with all that you do. We love you.

Thanks dad, for showing us beauty this weekend. The parts of this world from CO to here are so bland, generally. You showed us some amazingly unique parts of our world. Thank you for the niggle to take that drive. The beautiful rocks in their unique forms. The red of the dirt. The black of the dirt around the lake. The stuning blue and cleaness of it. Im amazed that there can still be such unpolluted parts of the world. And me without a camera. Well, next time.

--lays back head and bellows loudly, triumphantly, happily--
Another day, another smile.
This actually feels pretty good. Watch out, I may get addicted to this *happy* stuff. LOL

New Beginings

2004-08-27T23:08:00.000-07:00

I need a place for a gentle reminder. One that I force myself to do. Its ok to be proud of oneslef and to recognize that good within. I wish to fill this space with only the good. The good I see in me, my accomplishments. The good I see in others, in my loved ones and friends around me. Life is too short to not take the time to notice this. To not take the time to focus on this. It doesnt make one a braggart. It doesnt make one concieted. It gives one the chance to see life as they should. The way God sees you. To spread love and joy, not pessimissim and sorrow. While life may not always be filled with ups, I plan to seek the good in each day and to write at least one positive thing. I may not be able to update this blog daily, but rest assured, when I do it will not be filled with gripes and groans. My solem promise to myself.